Tyler Hansborough likes country music and asked us if he could review some of the top songs currently being played on country radio. After six voicemails and eleven emails we finally agreed to let him. These are his reviews. [Please note these are extremely condensed as, initially, they were each four pages long. Also, at his behest, we omitted a portion of his I Want Crazy review as there was an off color allegory involving vaginas, Connect Four, and orange juice that he wrote while he was “way too drunk, trying to get Ashleigh to send him pics of her new Bass Pro tattoo”.]
Downtown by Lady Antebellum – This song is good to me. I experienced some of these things when I dated a girl from Duke named Ashleigh who sucked. She began to refuse to actually go out with me. She would insist on staying in. When we ordered food from Kugino’s she’d make sure and never allow the both of us to be seen by the delivery guy in the apartment at the same time. It was weird and made me sad. I change my mind. I hate this song.
Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker – This is one that I’ll be playing for awhile. I am a big fan of Old Crow Medicine Show, but I think Hootie does this justice. I’m tired of hearing people hate on Rucker because he’s covering the song, acting like they’re big fans of OCMS. Please. If you can name more than three of their songs off the top of your head, then you can talk. If not, please close your mouth forever and be gone, wanna be. Be gone. The video is also good because people from Duck Dynasty are in it and that is a good, funny show and I think Si is funny. Ashleigh refused to get me a Si tea cup for my birthday from Bass Pro so she sucks.
Highway Don’t Care by Tim McGraw featuring Taylor Swift & Keith Urban – We missed you, Tim! Timmy is finally back with this hit new smash. Really a throwback for him. Taylor does well on this as well and Keith shreds the solo. Best guitar picking he’s done since Rainin’ On Sunday, in my opinion. I played this for my new girlfriend, Tanna, who is much better than Ashleigh ever was. I told her that I care if she’s alone and don’t want her to be and stuff. Because of love. That’s why I told her that. Because I love her and stuff. And Ashleigh used to claim she loved me but then would let me be alone. So, clearly, she didn’t love me.
I Want Crazy by Hunter Hayes – This reminds me of every Hunter Hayes song ever, but I still kind of dig the chorus. It’s catchy and I found myself tapping my foot. I will say that I think it’s crazy to say he wants crazy because Ashleigh was crazy and speaking from experience you do not want crazy. That’s the last thing you want, really. You want sane. Crazy gets you slashed tires and a shoe polished penis on the back window of your F-150 whenever a girl from NC State asks to take a picture with you after a game then kisses you on the cheek right when it’s snapped and puts it up on Facebook. I also think the shirts he wears are weird and too tight. Henley’s aren’t supposed to hug you like that. He looks like I hate him so I think I hate him and that phone call at the beginning of the video is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s never gonna work, just like me and Ashleigh. #tears #nutup
1994 by Jason Aldean – I don’t think I could hate a song more. Rocketship? Shimmer in your atmosphere? Come on, dude. And Joe Diffie is the guy you attempt to immortalize? Joe Diffie? Your truck isn’t a time machine, and you can’t make the entire second half of the chorus you shouting “Joe Diffie”. Well, you can, but then you’ll make me want to run my truck off the side of the road into an embankment which Ashleigh did once while she was driving it after I told her I wanted McDonald’s for lunch.
Beat This Summer by Brad Paisley – I’m really excited to spend the summer with Tanna so this song makes me excited and dreading the end of it because I think our love is built for the summer. Like theirs was in The Notebook. I think Tanna looks good with her wayfarers on and the sun in her hair like the line says so this seems like it’s good and will be good on the radio and a hit and stuff. I love Tanna. Like, so much more than I ever loved Ashleigh.
Accidental Racist by Braid Paisley featuring LL Cool J – I like this song but Lance Stephenson told me I couldn’t play it in the locker room so I have to put it on my iPod and listen to it with my headphones which is fine. I really like the raps and I think this will probably be on the power point I make for the banquet at the end of the year. There’s a picture that is on the Internet of me and my teammate, Roy Hibbert, celebrating together and I’ll probably fade into that with a checkerboard tile action when LL Cool J says “Dear Mr. White Man.” The only part I didn’t like was the very beginning when he talks about Starbucks. Me and Ashleigh used to go to Starbucks a lot. It was kind of our place.