The NBA’s Gigli



This week, Bill Simmons released his 2-part column using quotes from the movie Midnight Run, directed by Martin Brest.

Martin Brest… what a name, right?  More importantly, what a director!  Meet Joe Black, Scent of a Woman, and, of course, Midnight Run.  Now, I thought Midnight Run was good and I guess I could kinda… sorta… maybe…understand why Simmons would chose this Martin Brest movie to talk about this year’s NBA off-season.  If you ask me, though, Simmons chose the wrong Martin Brest flick.  Don’t worry fans, I’ve got you covered.


The NBA’s Gigli (Directed by Martin Brest)

You know the story.  Boy meets girl.  Boy is a low-life mobster.  Girl is a lesbian version of J-Lo.  Boy and girl agree to kidnap mentally challenged little brother of a New York prosecutor.  Tale as old as time…

Now that we have a little back-story, let’s dive into the offseason!


“She thinks I’m beautiful.”

“Yeah, well, she’s blind in one eye.”

When it comes to OKC, now, Bill Simmons is still pretty upset over the Harden thing, but if you ask me, he’s focusing on the wrong story-line for the Thunder.

OKC can’t quit Fish!

Sure Derek Fisher is a veteran leader and a champion, but he’s also a serial momentum killer. Maybe last year he had a little bit of a hot streak here and there, but to rely on this guy for a whole season?  Yowza.

Who am I kidding though.  I’m sure midway through the season he’ll ask to leave… only to join up with the Rockets…so he can be closer to his family.  (Houston is closer to LA than OKC, right?)


 “I’ll kill you.”

“You don’t tell me what to do, okay? Don’t tell me what we might do, don’t tell me what we’re supposed to do, don’t tell me what we maybe should do, don’t ever tell me nothing!”

That exquisite line of dialogue has been assigned to the lovely Lakers.

There is a TON to laugh about with Dwight and the Lakers.  Lots of folks are saying that Dwight wanted D’Antoni gone because he didn’t like their system.  Clearly the Lakers were stupid for keeping D’Antoni then, right!?

Wrong.  Dwight isn’t fooling anyone by acting like his decision had anything to do with coaching.  Houston is going to be running virtually the same style offense as LA did last year.  The difference is age, community, and the lights are a bit dimmer in Houston.

Oh, right… and Kobe won’t be staring laser beams into Dwight’s soul anymore.


“You know what, creating a scene right now would be a bad thing.”

“Yeah, that’s right. Why don’t you come here so we can kick your ass.”

Ah…The Nets.

While teams like Dallas and Memphis continue to build rosters the smart and honest way (post-new CBA), the Brooklyn Nets are on an all out YOLO-4-LYFE campaign.  Brooklyn is letting the money fly everywhere while singing “Somewhere Over The Luxury”.

Lots of people have their doubts, but unless you are one of four teams in the NBA, you’d LOVE if you’re team had this Brooklyn roster.


“You see, after all is said and done, the only thing you can be really sure of, the only thing you can really count on in this world, is that you just never f***ing know.”

And that is exactly how the “we’re trading you” email that Boston sent to Paul Pierce ended.


“Are you driving, or are you bullsh**ing?”

“I’m driving.”

For the past couple of years, every time Mark Cuban swings for a home run, he misses while simultaneously throwing the bat into the first row, giving someone a concussion.  It also seems like he loves playing it off like he meant to do the whole thing.

At first I was skeptical… heck I’m still very skeptical, but he’s managed to upgrade his team into some sort of strange and interesting mess of an exciting team.  Are they terrible?  Are they a sleeper?  I can’t tell and neither can you.

But seriously, Cuban is totally BS’ing with the whole, “we’re better w/o Dwight, CP3, and Deron Williams.”


“Lady, you need some Band-Aids.”

Bucks Nation!


“If by some f***in’ miracle long shot you haven’t heard of my reputation let me tell you who the f*** I am! I am the f***in’ Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of f***ing’ cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my f***in’ feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I’m the f***in’ original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, f***in’ hustler, original gangster’s gangster!”

This was the exact sales pitch that Kobe Byrant gave to Dwight Howard to try and convince him to stay in LA



“What do you morons think, that this is little Italy? Wake up! THIS IS THE TWENTY-F***IN’-FIRST CENTURY!

It’s a new day, everyone.  Daryl Morey is teaching you, me, and every person affiliated with NBA how to honorably rebuild a team in 2013.

There is a ton to be impressed by with Morey, with all the analytic thinking and shockingly awesome ping-pong, but the thing I’m most in awe of is the fact that he made Houston a desirable place for modern day superstar to live.   Nothing against Houston, but it’s certainly no LA, NY, or MIA.

The biggest takeaway from the summer is that teams are trying to get smarter.  The NBA sees what Morey is doing and they are slowly waking up.

Except the Nets.  YOLO-4-LYFE – MODE-4-LYFE.



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