Dear Warriors Players, Management, and Staff,
Joe Lacob here. Sorry for the late night email but it was just brought to my attention that we have qualified for something called “The Playoffs.” News to me. Look, we bought the team in 2010 so I am still pretty new to this whole basketball thing. I wish someone had told me that if we did well they were going to be extra games. Kind of seems like a punishment, right? Like basketball detention, oh well. We should make the best of it. There is a ton of work to do if we are going to get the organization ready for the post season. Here are some things I need you to get together.
1) Oracle Arena is booked next week. We have “Walking With Dinosaurs” coming in here and you cannot cancel on those people. I guess we can try and push them back? The promotions department will need to call ticket holders and explain that they have already waited millions of years to see dinosaurs walk the earth, another week won’t kill them. The organization donated a bunch of tickets to the orphans of Oakland so I guess we can dress Richard Jefferson up in a Barney costume and send him out to do a meet and greet? Just brainstorming here folks, no bad ideas.
2) Somebody call The Lakers and ask them how much we should charge for playoff tickets. Do we charge extra or something? How big a deal is this? I’m getting the impression this doesn’t happen very often around here. Maybe thank the fans and make it free? I’m sorry, I’m not a numbers guy.
3) ORDER MORE NACHO CHEESE. I called concessions and we are out. Coach Jackson told Andris that he could take all the leftover cheese to fill up his above ground pool with it once the season was over. Which reminds me. Someone explain to Andris that we made the playoffs. He’s probably floating on his back somewhere in a Doughboy filled with queso.
4) If the players could grab any extra jerseys, shorts, and warm up gear they have at home and bring it in that would be huge. I had the training staff send everything out to be cleaned. All we have in house are those awful T-Shirt uni’s and I will be gosh darned if the boys are wearing those things on national TV again.
5) Sidebar. Do the playoffs really happen every year? Can someone find out? Maybe it’s like the world cup and it’s a every four years sort of thing. Wow. I mean we already played 82 games, haven’t they already figured out who the best team is? Do we need more games to work that out? I just worry about Bogut, my wife has china less fragile than that guy.
6) Do we have enough basketballs? Seriously. I need a headcount.
7) I tweeted at our GM Bob Meyers to find out how this affects our lottery pick this year. Hold on he just @ replied me back…. WHAT! We are out of the lottery because we made the playoffs? I am #shocked #and #dismayed
8) We are going to need a slogan or better yet A THEME SONG. Somebody get a collaboration going between E-40, Too Short, and Huey Lewis.
9) We need to get something to give away at the first game. Something to thank the fans for sticking with us. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I got a humdinger of an idea. Don Nelson bobblehead night. Maybe make it some kind of bobblehead/flask combo in honor of Nelly.
10) And finally. You guys just go out there and have fun. If it turns out that they do have this playoff thing every year my gut says that our boys getting in may be a bit of a rarity. So enjoy it and Go Dubs.