It’s the most wonderful time of the year, meaning we’re doing the most wonderfully predictable themed 5-vs-5 possible. And we’re doing it in two parts! Grab the cocoa and cuddle up next to the fireplace, because it’s time for our experts to debate the NBA and Christmas.
1. If you could get any NBA team a Christmas present, what would you give them?
Parker: I would give the Jazz a new name because the smooth Thelonius Monk-ness of past Jazz squads are having gigantic dumps taken on them by this Gordon Hayward led turd.
Gallagher: I’d give the Spurs a savior. Someone so flashy that it’d be impossible to not talk about them. He’d be the chosen one and all would gather at his birth. A hybrid between Rodman, Birdman, and Gilbert Arenas. Wait. I change my answer to just Gilbert Arenas. If only for the following convo…
Pop – “Hello Gilbert.”
Gilbert – “It’s agent zero, sir.”
Pop – *clinches teeth*
Goodman: As a member of the chosen tribe, I favor eight nights of presents. As such, I would give the following gifts: Fans to the Atlanta Hawks, a rightfully due basketball team to the people of Seattle, hoops that are easier to make baskets on to the Milwaukee Bucks, a do-over for the last seven days to the Sacramento Kings, peace of mind to the Chicago Bulls, hope to the Cleveland Cavs, competence to the New York Knicks, and a second shot at their last 20 draft picks to the Charlotte Bobcats.
Fort: I’d search antique stores for a vintage Twin Towers set for the Houston Rockets, because Coach McHale’s problem was never having too many centers, but not enough. Think about a lineup of ’86 Olajuwon, ’86 Sampson, Howard, Asik, and Harden.
Trew: I would love to get the Toronto Raptors the gift of Al-Farouq Aminu and Greg Stiemsma and all they have to do is send DeMar DeRozan back to me. I’l then re-gift DeMar to the New Orleans Pelicans and see what happens.
2. If you had to assign a Christmas song to any NBA player, what would it be and why?
Parker: “Let It Snow” is forever reserved for Kendrick Perkins offensive game as he is about as hot, offensively, as a frozen Igloo cooler.
Gallagher: “Mary Did You Know” for Carmelo Anthony. I still think he’s capable of leading a team… a nation. Plus his mom’s name is Mary. So I’d play it for him and tell him that Josh Groban ACTUALLY wrote that for him.
Goodman: I would have the Houston Rockets sing “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel.” What’s that? Oh that already happened. You’ve to be f’ing kidding me. Well, never mind then. (http://www.nba.com/rockets/video/2013/11/27/dreidelmp4-3056123)
Fort: Dirk is the girl in Baby, it’s Cold Outside, and Cuban’s the creepy dude that just won’t let her leave.
Trew: William Hung’s “Little Drummer Boy”: Glen Davis, because you can’t convince me that Big Baby doesn’t think William Hung is hilarious.
3. Kids normally leave out milk and cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve. What would you leave out for your favorite NBA player if he came down your chimney on Christmas Eve?
Parker: I would leave Aaron Gray a Snickers bar.
Gallagher: I’d leave Matt Barnes a beer. It always kind of feels like that guy just needs a beer or something. If you’re reading this Matt, come on over. Have a beer. Take a load off. Tell me what’s going on. Or we can just watch TV. Whatever you wanna do, man. Just… maybe stop being so angry all the time.
Goodman: I would leave Anderson Varejao a stack of delicious fried latkes on the condition that he absolutely not share any with Anthony Bennett.
Fort: I’d leave Yao Ming a pair of bionic feet, because what if the Rockets had another great center?
Trew: My favorite NBA player (and yours, if you have any taste) is Anthony Davis. I would leave Anthony Davis a fresh new pair of sneakers, pants and a shirt because what the hell are you doing climbing on my roof and coming down my chimney, you are an incredibly important person and you shouldn’t be doing stuff like this. Clean up, put this on and go play basketball.
4. If you could have a starting line-up of Five Christmas characters, what would it look like?
Parker: Santa is my point guard, obviously. The Heat Miser would be my center as he provides both attitude and muscle. The Grinch would play the four as he has both length, and a mean streak. I’d put Frosty at the two, since his shot is ice cold, and I’d Rudolph at the three because that nose is red hot like fire drip drop melting folks.
Gallagher: Colin Firth from Love Actually at PG. Hugh Grant from Love Actually at SG. Alan Rickman from Love Actually at SF. Liam Neeson from Love Actually at PF. And Prancer at Center.
Goodman: Judah Maccabee & 4 other Maccabees would essentially be the Jewish version of Isaiah & the Bad Boy Pistons. That’s my choice.
Fort: Guys who are willing to make sacrifices: George Bailey, John McClane, Ernest P. Worrell, Harry Potter, and the General from White Christmas.
Trew: The NBA game is changing – we don’t look at players having traditional positions any more. Same with holiday characters. You don’t need to be a cartoon to be a Christmas character anymore. My Christmas starting 5 goes a little something like this:
Kelly Clarkson (irrational confidence)
Alvin & The Chipmunks (needs the ball in his hand to be effective, but a decent distributor with a real edge) (the rest of the chipmunks are waving towels on the bench)
Ryan Seacrest (think Steve Young or Tom Brady of the NBA)
Celine Dion (gorgeous singing voice)
Michael Buble (we need a Canadian on our team)
P.S. My entire starting 5 cannot play any games in the month of December because they are all booked for various television gigs.
5. What NBA coach would you have guide your sleigh tonight and why?
Parker: Popovich because he doesn’t have time for anything that isn’t absolutely necessary.
Gallagher: Coach D’Antoni all the way. We aren’t worried about being pretty or efficiency or anything like that. We just need to move quickly from house to house. In and out! No thinking. In and out! No rules. In and out!
Goodman: 1. Lindsey Hunter, 2. Brad Stevens, 3. Terry Stotts, 30. Mike Brown, Last. Mike Dunleavy, Sr.
Fort: Can I pick Daryl Morey? Conventional thinking says you have to tank to get a “Rudolph,” but I’ll bet Morey could be competitive with a sleigh of dik-diks while slowly upgrading and exploiting market inefficiencies.
Trew: Brad Stevens, because no matter what my spending budget is he seems like the kind of guy to make it work.
Part two is next Friday. See you there!