Welcome to New Orleans! If it’s your first time here we’d like to congratulate you. Everyone loves New Orleans except for Tracy McGrady and Tracy McGrady is trying to play baseball right now for the Sugar Land Skeeters so let’s not take him too seriously.
If you’ve been here before or if you’ve ever read an article about New Orleans then you know the following: our food is good, the music scene is important and you can drink outside. As a native New Orleanian and President of Pelicans Nation (I’m also still holding office as the Pelicans Rebrand Therapist) I’d like to formally welcome you to our amazing city and give you some guides, tips, and pointers on spending time in The Big Easy.
– Don’t call New Orleans The Big Easy. It’s like a Chicagoan saying “well, what do you expect in the Windy City”. People will laugh at you and know you’re not from here. That said, it’s actually totally cool to be not from here (Tourism = Awesome. We love tourists.). Most people that you will see skipping around this weekend are not from here. And I promise that anyone with Mardi Gras beads around their neck and shirts with clever stuff like “I Got Bourbon Faced on Sh*t Street” is definitely not from here. Remember that when you say things like “New Orleans people sure are sloppy”. Nah, that’s the people who are visiting New Orleans. That said, we’re jazzed that you’re here.
– If someone says “I can tell you where you got them shoes” and then asks for money in exchange for the right answer, just throw a dollar in their face and say “my feet.” You’ll confuse them and help them at the same time.
– This is not only New Orleans, it’s where Anthony Davis lives now. You know, the guy who’s going to be one of the best players of all time. Him. Respect our city and respect Anthony Davis. Don’t litter. I’m serious. If you litter and I catch you I will humiliate you.
– Encourage people to wait in the long line at Mother’s for the “World’s Best Ham”. It’s totally worth the wait, it is not a tourist trap at all and you’re doing a good deed for them (It’s totally a tourist trap, go somewhere else).
– Don’t use the ATM machine at Harrah’s. If you do, you have to go directly to the roulette table and put ⅓ of your money on 23 (Anthony Davis), another third on 42 (NBA Legend P.J. Brown) and the final third on the first jersey number you see which we all know will be Pistol Pete #7. Those are the rules and if you do not follow them exactly as I stated, Chris Anderson will appear in your bathroom mirror.
– Your Smoothie King Center, Unibrow, Pierre the Pelican and Super Bowl blackout jokes have all been done already. Sorry to break the news to you. Instead of making fun of the host city (we’re so nice, why would you do that?) let’s collectively make fun of the New York Knicks. They don’t have any draft picks til 2029 and they have bright orange uniforms.
– Walking by yourself with your cell phone in your hand in a strange neighborhood is a bad idea anywhere and it’s the worst idea of all time in New Orleans. Therefore, seek out people walking by themselves with a cell phone in their hand in a strange neighborhood and take their cell phone. Install the ESPN Scorecenter app and set score alerts for the Utah Jazz, Connecticut Sun and the Florida Marlins then return it. That will teach them a lesson and give you a cool All-Star Weekend story about ruining someone’s life.
– Don’t eat at a single restaurant that exists in the place you just left. This means no Arby’s, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, IHOP or Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. One time I walked by the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company and an employee was running out of the restaurant screaming wildly. I assumed someone walked out of the check but what probably happened is she just realized she still works at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
– There’s a big Mardi Gras parade happening on Saturday night, Krewe Du Vieux. If you’re in town and All-Star Saturday Night tickets aren’t in your price range, be in the French Quarter. Thank me later.
If anyone has any questions about this article or if you need restaurant recommendations, reach out to me on Twitter. I’m dead serious. This isn’t a joke. I will absolutely stop what I’m doing and give you advice. Please test me on this.
Welcome to New Orleans. You’ll probably be here for another All-Star Game in 2020 because we got this.