Little known fact, German philosopher Immanuel Kant loved the NBA. I know, you’re thinking, how? After all, the NBA didn’t play its first game until 1946. Hell, Naismith wasn’t even born until 1861, and Immanuel Kant was 57 years dead by then. But Kant was a philosophizer or something, and that means he may or may not have been into relativity. For all we know, his favorite movie may even have been Back to the Future. And that’s the purest of reasons.
Anyway, Kant wrote a lot about the epistemology of things, including how we know what we know about the NBA. Feel free to look this up on Wikipedia, unless someone edited my edits.
More importantly, though, Ricky Rubio is a point guard. This statement is a priori true. Kevin Garnett didn’t even have to go back to Minnesota to know this. He just knew.
Ricky Rubio is also a Timberwolf. This is also probably a priori true, although this may or may not make him a werewolf. To know that, you’d have to follow Ricky around at night, with a full moon present. I guess you’d have to experience it or some shit.
Another point Kant makes about Rubio is that he’s not just a point guard. Kant clarifies this detail by adding that Rubio is a point guard in today’s NBA. Kant says buy a ticket to a Minnesota game off StubHub or subscribe to League Pass if you doubt him. He also says he drafted Rubio in a Fantasy Draft once, but that’s neither here nor there. What’s here is Kant telling us how to know stuff. After all, he’s Kant, and he’s full of helpful advice.
Kant doesn’t just provide answers. Sometimes he asks questions and then answers them. Here’s one: Could Rubio play point guard in space?
But we know a priori that Rubio is a point guard with vision. In space, the sun might blind him, but that would depend on what space in space Rubio occupied. Also, in space, seeing the whole world may actually hinder one’s vision on the basketball court. We may need to test this to know it. We may not be able to know it a priori. We need to Rubio in space.
Could Rubio play point guard under the sea? Who knows?
We do know that he’s not a merman, and we know that a priori. However, we don’t know if he’s seen Zoolander, unless he tells us. Then we can question him on whether or not he can turn left. People say he needs to diversify. Zoolander could teach him about this struggle. Kant says more on this, but we’ll move on to the Rubio Paradox.
Have you heard of the Rubio Paradox? If not, here it is: He’s built a house out of bricks, and he’s a wolf. This means he’s trying to blow his own house down as he builds it. That’s tough. Either way he succeeds he will fail. That’s like A Beautiful Mind or something.
Anyway, if we know anything, it’s that philosophy helps to solve basketball problems. And that’s worth more than dialectical transcendence, which is why KG slams his head into the basketball stanchions the world over.
Bryan Harvey tweets @LawnChairBoys.