Who is Dwight Powell?

Boston Celtics Media Day

Since the Mavs completed their trade with the Celtics a few minutes ago, I have been bombarded with questions like “Who is Dwight Powell?” “What is a Dwight Powell?” and in one case, “Wight Powell? Are the Mavs haunted by the souls of the cursed deceased?”

Don’t worry, my friends, I am here to help you.

Dwight Powell, as his ESPN profile makes clear, was born in Canada. On his mother’s side, he is a descendant of Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts. On his father’s side, he is a cousin of Colin Powell, Guinness World Record Holder for “most medals worn on the chest”.

Powell’s first sport wasn’t basketball, of course. At the age of 3, like all Canadians, Powell was strapped into a pair of skis and given a rifle but he was such a good shot he found the act of firing a bullet from a gun to prosaic and turned instead to hurling boulder-smoothed rocks at narrow hoops made generally from the branches of elm and fir trees. At the age of 10 he had grown to such a height, and so seldom went inside, that the neighborhood children spoke of him in hushed tones, as a kind of ogre or sasquatch.

In 2009, he actually went on a date with a sasquatch but it didn’t go anywhere.

This season, Dwight Powell is shooting 80%, which is a real fact that I did not make up. His PER is 34.42, which is also a real fact. His per-36 numbers have him scoring 36 points a game but, grabbing only 4 rebounds, a sad consequence of the fact that his variant of “Stone-Elm Shooting” often resulted in the stones getting stuck in the trees. He will average 8 steals a game, however, because in his late teens he was trained as a master thief, whom he eventually had to murder in order to supplant.

With the unfortunate death of Steve Nash, Powell is the only Canadian in the league who was not drafted first overall, and that slight burns with him like an unholy fire although not hot enough to fuel his comparatively unimpressive gifts to an impactful level.

Dwight plays some position and is supposedly a human being.

1 Comment

  • Reply December 20, 2014

    Sam Metivier

    Dwight Powell once tried a wide open, game-winning buzzer-beater dunk during PAC-12 play. He dunked it successfully, but it was too late, and the Colorado Buffaloes rose victorious over the deflated Stanford Cardinal.

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