WE DID IT! We slogged through another year of basketball and got to the only part that we all really care about, THE OFFSEASON (AIR HORN NOISE). As a Warrior fan (a thing people say out loud now, thanks to Steph) no one loved this last year more than I did but now it’s time to get to the good stuff. We all know the best part of the NBA calendar year is the offseason. Are you on twitter? Every other tweet is free agent speculation, trade rumors, or CP3 making up weird hastags (#ClipperNation #DonaldSterling #Is #Kinda #Creepy). Follow us @theballerball #SelfPromotion
The big story? Where is Dwight Howard going to go? Does he stay a Laker? Team up with our boy Daryl Morey in Houston? Go…to…Atlanta (does Darryl Dawkins still play there)? Help Dirk retire with another ring in Dallas? Or will he join Marc Jackson’s flock of believers in Golden State? I wish I could provide you with the hard hitting insight that Ballerball is known for but my sources are giving me bupkis. So I turned to the only source that matters. Wikipedia. So please enjoy THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
Basic Facts and Notable Attractions
Houston – 4th most populous city in America. Home to Johnson Space Center, 337 Parks, and the Bayou Music Center.
Los Angeles – 2nd most populous city in America. Home to Hollywood, sun, surf, and Vincent Chase. I AM QUEENS BOULEVARD.
Atlanta – It’s in, uh, Georgia? Home to Freaknik, Coca-Cola, CNN, and OutKast.
Dallas – 9th most populous city in America. Home to THEY LET JFK GET SHOT.
Golden State – It’s Oakland. I don’t know what you want me to say. As a Warriors fan I want nothing to do with this not even seven foot tall waste of cap space. Keep Dwight out of Oakland.
Winner – Dwight is from Atlanta, Texas has no state income tax, L.A. can offer the most money, and Golden State…well….uh…no thank you. Advantage goes to Houston home to over 300 parks and green spaces. You just can’t beat that.
Houston – Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce
Los Angeles – Everyone
Atlanta – Julia Roberts, Usher, Ted Turner
Dallas – Dr. Phil, Usher (Not a typo. It says so on Wikipedia), Dimebag Darrell
Golden State – I cannot overstate how little I want Dwight on my team.
Winner – My girlfriend has a rule that when choosing between Beyonce and something else always go Bey. Houston in a landslide.
Films – All Burt Reynolds Edition
Houston – Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Los Angeles – Boogie Nights
Atlanta – Sharky’s Machine
Dallas – North Dallas 40
Golden State – As Smokey is my witness Dwight will not be a Warrior. Things are going too well my team. I know it makes basketball sense but is there a guy you want on your team less who’s name doesn’t start with Vince Carter?
Winner – Smokey and the Bandit. Wait, what? Oh, I thought I was picking the best Burt Reynolds movie. Look it’s either Boogie Nights, Smokey, or Cop and a Half. I guess we have to go Los Angeles.
Music – Notable Hip Hop Crews
Houston – Ghetto Boys
Los Angeles – N.W.A.
Atlanta – OutKast and the Dungeon Family
Dallas – MC 900 Ft. Jesus – No Crew
Golden State – Before I go off on D12 or whatever we are calling him now I want you to take a minute to recognize the genius of E-40 and Too $hort. Far more songs than I care to mention. Just listen to Life Is… Too Short and The Hall of Game. Oh, yeah. Please don’t sign Dwight Howard.
Winner – Coming straight out of Compton. Advantage Los Angeles based on that the work of everyone in and associated with N.W.A. pre Are We There Yet. Seriously though don’t sleep on E-40 the man is a genius.
L.A. had Jack Nicholson make a personal appeal but Houston and the promise of playing in complete tax free obscurity is too much for him. A sign and trade for Asik, Lin, and some garbage. Dwight plays out the contract averaging 16 – 9 – and 0.6 new coaches a season. Enjoy Houston. PLEASE DON’T SIGN HIM GOLDEN STATE!!!!! E-40 is always watching.