The most upset Tim Duncan has ever been in his whole entire life occurred when the ABC television crew contacted him days prior to the 2014 NBA Playoffs. Here were his thoughts through the process in his traditional nineteenth-century vernacular.
Point of emphasis: Duncan’s less than savory dance moves were kept out of this year’s ABC NBA Playoffs introductory video. He’s completely unaware, so don’t tell Tim, it’s best that way.
2:30am — Tim Duncan’s Humble 17,000-square-foot Abode
I swear to the almighty creator if it’s daddy David [Robinson] again, I’m going to MAKE A SCENE!!!!! …Odd…the area code says California. Maybe it’s baby Kawhi looking for another bedtime story. He does have a borderline unhealthy affection for Goodnight Moon. It’s not like Boris [Diaw] is going to read to him, dude couldn’t embody characters if you paid him, AND I TRIED PAYING HIM. I don’t get nearly the credit I deserve for my wisdom or tact.
Okay, let’s see who this is…
Oh dear heavens it’s ABC. Dammit, Timmy, we’ve gone over this. Make small talk! What’s their slogan again? ABC: Very Funny. No, that’s not right. ABC: We Know Drama. Nooooooo. ABC: Where Friends Meet and Things. NO! ABC: The Worldwide Leader in Sports. THAT’S IT. They must’ve loved my moves in last year’s installment.
How many times do I have to reiterate how disinterested I am in communication of any kind? My cave dwelling seemed sufficient; I still have a bag phone for crying out loud. Does my primitive vernacular and residence signify nothing?
Fine. I’m doing it. But I’m only doing it because if I don’t then LeBron will literally have 100% of the airtime.
11:00am — San Antonio International Airport
Thankfully having the wardrobe of a Neanderthal means I can casually stroll through this airport unnoticed. Beauty is in the eye of the one who holds it, after all. Wait; what I just thought was brilliant. Someone needs to be writing these down, I tell ya.
Can’t wait to get this over with. Let’s see where my seat i-NOT IN THE MIDDLE.
3:00pm — ABC Studios
For the love of Pete I’m not an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. just get me some water and start rolling the cameras. Looks like they’re going to walk me through the whole network and its history, FOR THE LAST TIME I DON’T HAVE A CARE IN THE WORLD FOR HOWIE MANDEL OR BOB EUBANKS!
…America’s Funniest Home Videos does make me chuckle, though.
Oh lord, there’s a [Shane] Battier in the studio today? This’ll be rich. He’ll choke like the mangy sheepdog he is. You can lead a Battier to water but you can’t make him drink, I always say.
3:20pm — ABC Studios
This reminds me of when we first came into the league together. The year was 1934 and times were difficult. The Great Depression was in full swing, Franky D [Franklin D. Roosevelt] was in the White House, and Battier was all like, “QUIT PILFERING MY MOLLASSES, TIMMY. YOU’RE ALWAYS GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN TO TICK ME OFF.” Those were the days.
Shane is really milking this for what it’s worth. I’m being quieter than a church mouse over here and he won’t even acknowledge me? Doesn’t this guy win distinguished service awards for his various philanthropies? Didn’t this guy go to Duke? …Just goes to show you shouldn’t judge a book by its prologue. There’s another one that needs to be written down!
3:30pm — ABC Studios
Yikes…I am more frustrated than Rich [Richard Jefferson] at a cattle auction. If I can’t handle the heat, I need to get out of the pantry.
What do they want me to do? Hold this plate up that’ll have the Spurs logo superimposed on the front? This looks like a dish fit for the gods. Get the lights out of my eyes; don’t they know I have a stigmatism and incredibly vulnerable pupils?
It’s a sauna in here. Thank heavens we play in air-conditioned arenas, I never want to feel like a melting hippopotamus again. What’s the song they’re using for this season’s introduction video? What the jeepers is a Pit-bullion?
4:00pm — ABC Studios
A little bird told me that my placid performance and motionless hips are the talk of the studio. Can’t wait to see how this turns out on the big screen, or whatever sized screen people have these days. A man in a passion does ride a mad horse, so I’ve been told.
6:00pm — ABC Studios
Just when you’re about to iron one’s shoelaces, they rope you back into doing another cameo. This is not what the doctor ordered. Just goes to show all that glitters isn’t zince. IS ANYONE WRITING THESE DOWN!?
9:00pm — Los Angeles International Airport (LAX)
Flight canceled again. Today has been astoundingly rotten.
I miss my cave.
I miss my abicus.
I miss my Spurs.
All’s well that ends good, I always say. BUT REALLY, GUYS, WRITE THIS DOWN.