The True Stories of Lance Stephenson

PLAYA VISTA, CA - JUNE 18: Lance Stephenson talks to the media at the Los Angeles Clippers training facility in Playa Vista, California on June 18, 2015.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement. Mandatory Copyright Notice: Copyright 2015 NBAE  (Photo by Andrew D. Bernstein/NBAE via Getty Images)

Angels called. Said they want their blessings back. That’s probably why I’m sitting in an alley behind my local Little Caesar’s Pizza. The truth is, I remember everything from his fist hitting my chin to my mom calling to wish me a happy birthday. #BallIsLife rings especially true tonight.

Closing my eyes, I see myself shooting a 3 pointer. Ball is in the air. #BALLISLIFE4LIFE – Dramatic music plays from the Hunger Games trailer. It flies. There she goes.

Kick to the face. It’s Batman

“Where’s DeAndre?”

Nothing. Nowhere. I don’t know. I mean… leave me alone.

Batman gets this way sometimes. Last Thanksgiving, he had no place to go so I invited him over. I watched him carefully work his way around the stuffing. Which like, who doesn’t like stuffing? Freaks. That’s why the only vigilante I trust is myself. Once the meal was over, all Batman wanted to do was watch The Blind Side. So we did. I give that Thanksgiving a 6/10.

Now he’s here with his hands on my shirt asking what I did with DeAndre.

Shook him.

“Impossible. What did you do with him?”

Shook him like I’m about to shake you. Poof. Gone. That’s the sound of me defeating Batman. Crazy though. Lots of villains have tried to beat Batman. Am I the first? Do I have to assume his role ala Tim Allen in The Santa Claus. If so, that’s a problem because the Clips play on Christmas and I can’t be missing that. Oh no…

THE CLIPS!?

I got a game in like 45 minutes. Gotta push it. I steal Batman’s keys to the Batmobile. A rabbit foot keychain? Damn, Batman.

“Hey! You’re Lance Stephenson!”

Barack Obama?? Not now!

I get inside the Batmobile. How do I drive this thing? It looks like an automatic but there are way too many options. I see neutral, reverse, drive and… ball is life? Just the gear for me! Let’s do this. Hold on to your hat, Clayton… this could get bumpy.

Side note: Clayton is my pet dog. He’s been with me this whole time. No time to explain.

I roll up to Staples Center. The game is starting in 2 minutes! Would it be inappropriate for me to drive the batmobile to center court? Too late, I’m already here and I think I just hit Billy Crystal. That’s OK. I’m ready. Clayton throws me an alley-oop. BALL IS LIIIIIIFE.

You wake up.

You?

That’s right. You expected me to be explaining a dream that I had, except it’s you who’s dreaming. Your whole life has been a dream. You’re probably still dreaming right now and this is me trying to open your eyes to the reality of the world and Lance Stephenson.

Bye.

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