The Real Reason Nobody Is Talking About The Spurs

The following conversation took place last night at 1:33 a.m.





I can’t say anything to anyone?!


I said nobody, dammit! Not you. Not me. Not any of your mortal friends. Nobody! Keep it quiet. If I hear a peep out of you regarding the Spurs, their 17 game winning streak or the fact that they should be everyone’s favorite to win it all, then I will put an end to everything you’ve ever loved. Got it?!


Ok ok. Nobody. Please, just don’t hurt me, basketball god.




I have to ask. Why are you so angry, basketball god?


You don’t know what I’ve been through.


Maybe if you talked to me I could-


Kid… shut up.


Wait… is this why nobody mentions the Spurs? You just break in to the homes of anyone who thinks about them and threaten their lives with a dull pitchfork?


That’s right.


But why, basketball god? Why do that? Why rob the world of discussion about this amazing basketball team?


Spotlights to the north, south, east and west – but never the center. That’s why.


I don’t understand, basketball god.


Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a little mouse bragged to all his little mouse friends about a plan to steal food from this kitchen. He told everyone how and when he would do it and all his little mouse friends praised his name. They sang songs about him and debated whether or not the mouse could complete his mission. It was the only thing any of the little mice could talk about. You know what happened?


What happened, basketball god?


The mouse was caught and placed inside of a glass jar for all his mice friends to see.


Oh no!


And just as everyone thought the kitchen was safe, a snake slithered in and took all the food. Nobody noticed him come in. There was no talk of the snake or songs praising his name. He just did his job perfectly.


I see…


And just as the snake was about to complete his mission, he freed the mouse from the glass jar.


Oh good!


And the snake ate the mouse and at all of his mouse friends. No mouse was spared.  Not the women mice.  Not the children mice.  All of them – gone. 




That’s why I don’t want anyone talking about the Spurs.



Basketball god… are… are you going to ki… kill me?


Kill is a matter of perspective.


I see.  Can I ask you one last thing?


That’s fine.


Why did you take Kobe – and Marc Gasol earlier – and Patrick Beverly – and you keep taking Russ?  Why do you rob us so?


Nobody ever suspects the snake.


Forgive me, basketball god but I… I don’t follow.


(Basketball God turns to reveal himself to the mortal)


No…. NOOOOOO!!!!  IT CAN’T BE!!!!!!!




God help us all…


Fade to black with the music from Saw playing in the background.  The following text begins to scroll in red: Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. The earth and the heavens fled from his presence, and there was no place for them.”

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