The Kobe Diaries: Chapter One

The Kobe Diaries


Ballerball has obtained Kobe Bryant’s private diary. After much consideration, we have decided to release a few entries so fans can have insight into the mind of a Mamba. Enjoy. 

Dear Diary,

This shall be the first of many entries so I expect you’ll be ready to work at a moment’s notice. Let us begin.

I’m afraid I have a confession to make, diary. Everyone is an idiot but me.

Experts and analysts talk about the Lakers like we’re in ‘trouble.’ Let me tell you something, diary. The Lakers are never in trouble so long as I’m within 100 mile of the Staples Center. This is exactly where I want this team to be. I’m like a brave fire fighter rescuing a sick puppy from a burning building. Sure I started the fire due to a perfectly normal fetish for pyrotechnics… but in the end, I’m the one carrying everyone to safety. Am I the hero this town deserves but does not need right now?  That’s a trick question. There are no heroes. Only savages. 

Onto my second point. 

Not enough people call me Mamba, diary. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t bother me greatly. I’m not even asking for the ‘black’ anymore – just Mamba. I do not understand why people insist on being little fucks. Everyone calls DeMarcus Cousins ‘Boogie’ and he doesn’t even have…


Back to my point –  the Mamba nickname just isn’t catching on. The other day, I made reservations under the name ‘Mamba’. When I arrived at the restaurant, the hostess called for ‘Mambo’… paused… then said, ’Number 5’ and the whole place erupted in laughter. I removed my phantom mask and cape to reveal that it was I… the Black Mamba – but the laughter only grew. I must admit I was very upset, diary. While I firmly believe that Lou Bega is the artist of our generation, I still found the joke disrespectful. Shortly after I lit the restaurant’s parking lot on fire, I called the human NERF ball, Dwight Howard, to remind him of his softness.  I also reminded him of the joy people feel when he leaves a room. That always seems to cheer me up. :-)

Mamba has a lot on my mind, diary. The Moist Baby Lamb isn’t performing up to the standards I had hoped. I forgot to tell you, Moist Baby Lamb is the name I have created for Carlos Boozer. I chose ‘lamb’ because there is a decent chance I will have to sacrifice him as a peace offering to the gods. I’m hoping it won’t come to this but you can never be too safe. The Mamba will do what he must. 

That’s all I have for you today, diary. I enjoyed placing my thoughts within you. I cannot imagine the joy you must feel. Anyways, Mamba is hungry for shots. We’ll catch up next week.

“Je suis le roi”

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