The H.U.M. Player Rankings: 2012-2013


Look out, “MVPs” and “Lockdown Defenders”. There’s a new basketball label in town.

The H.U.M. Player (Hated Unless Mine).
-These players are beloved by fans of their own team yet despised by the rest of the universe. We took it upon ourselves to rank the top 10 H.U.M. Players in the league.

*H.U.M. Player Requirements:

– Must be annoying.
– Cannot be disliked by their own fans (E.g. Carlos Boozer).
-Cannot be a top 15 Player (Otherwise we would copy/paste the #ESPN Rank and call it a day).
– MUST BE GOOD – this is an incredibly important characteristic. They must be a threat to our teams when they are in the floor and their game must be respected (Luke Walton, while hated, isn’t really a threat).

(Because I didn’t want this list to be based solely on my own opinions, I decided to poll 7 of the finest men I know… on my G-chat list.)

The H.U.M. Player Rankings: 2012 – 2013

#10 – Reggie Evans

Why you love him:
One thing’s for sure: there is nothing sexy about Reggie Evans’ game. So why do you love Reggie Evans?
You love rebounds, therefore, you love Reggie Evans. When you go to bed at night, it’s comforting to know that your team will be dominating the boards because you have Reggie Evans.

Why we hate him:
Reggie Evans is the type of guy that always seems to do well against the teams we cheer for. Right? For almost 2 years Reggie Evans does nothing and then against your team, he blows up. He is also very big – and there is nothing more annoying than a very big dude that flops. Nothing.

#9 – J.J. Barea

Why you love him:
Because look at him! That could be me out there.

Why we hate him:
Because look at him! That could be me out there.

#8 – Danilo Gallinari

Why you love him:
Danilo Gallinari can lead a team and, speaking of team … he is a team player! That’s rare these days, and you’ll take team-ball over hero-ball any day of the week.

Why we hate him:
I’ll leave it to one of our voters on this one:
“Danilo Gallinari plays basketball the way that Drake raps”.

#7 – Metta World Peace

Why you love him:

DEFENSE (Clap, Clap).
So Metta World Peace is a little crazy. You call it misunderstood. This dude can defend anyone. It’s not cheap, annoying defense either. It’s actual get-under-your-skin defense.

Why we hate him:
It’s not that he’s crazy; it’s that he’s so crazy he’s going to hurt someone (oh wait!). Also, if I see one more banked 3 pointer in a crucial moment from this guy, my head is going to explode.

#6 – Stephen Jackson

Why we love him:
When you think of America, you think of Stephen Jackson. America was built on hard work and doing what’s needed to get the job done. Jackson is tough and he is skilled. Ask any coach in the league and they’ll tell you that every team needs a Stephen Jackson. You salute Stephen Jackson.

Why we hate him:
I think we are all ready for Stephen Jackson to get off of our TVs. I mean, the guy thinks he’s a superstar when in reality he’s just not. Nothing is more frustrating than when a guy has no idea who he is. I know for a solid fact that Stephen Jackson sits at home and listens to ESPN debate Lebron vs. Jordan while thinking, “Should be Jackson vs. Jordan.”

#5 – Matt Barnes

Why you love him:

Every NBA team needs a guy on their team who will be tough as nails. Matt Barnes is that guy for your team. If someone so much as looks at another player on your team the wrong way, Matt Barnes will be in their face. Those types of guys are the spirit of a good team. Nobody messes with your team as long as Matt Barnes is part of it.

Why we hate him:
Let’s get one thing clear: scuffles are not fights. Matt Barnes is, hands down, the fakest tough guy in the league. Is anyone actually afraid of this guy? Here is the best example: Matt Barnes being Matt Barnes and Kobe being the rest of the world – not impressed and certainly not scared.

# 4 – Manu Ginobili

Why you love him:
By far, Manu is the best player on this list. One of the best international players of all time; he’s unorthodox and extremely entertaining to watch. If you don’t have respect for this guy, then you don’t have respect for the game of basketball. Not to mention that he’s one of the most clutch players in existence. You’re telling me that you wouldn’t be afraid if your team was up by one and Manu had the ball with 10 seconds left? Pfff. This guy would slice up your defense faster than you can say “team basketball.”

Why we hate him:
Hmm? Let’s see… why do we hate the biggest flopper in all of existence. You could hit me with a school bus and I wouldn’t flop as hard as Manu Ginobili.

**One of our voters is COMPLETELY against Manu being on this list:

“Manu ranked 7th in PER last season. Better than Garnett, better than Rondo, better than Pierce. No way he should be on this”.

#3 –  Raja Bell

Why you love him?
Bell is the Christopher Nolan of basketball. He knows how to play with your freaking mind and he’ll do it to the best players in the league. That’s the kind of guy we need on our team. I mean, why fault a guy for being smart?

Why we hate him?
Why does it feel like I did more with my Saturday night of drinking alone and watching The Lovely Bones than Raja Bell has done with his career? I mean, the nerve of this guy to do the things he does. His ability to be a little weasel often gets mistaken for “good defense.” PLEASE. Clothes-lining Kobe Bryant is far from good defense.
Oh yeah, he’s a vegetarian. Give me a break.

#2  – Joakim Noah

Why you love him:
Heart! Energy! Hustle! Who doesn’t love these things in basketball? And off the court? Let’s see:

When asked if he ever fantasizes about playing point guard he responded “I think of women when I think of fantasizing.”

Perfect response. Not only does Joakim Noah fantasize, he THINKS about fantasizing.

Why we hate him:
When you type in “Joakim Noah is” in the Google search bar, the first thing that pops up in the auto-fill feature is “Joakim Noah is a douche.”

The world knows this and so should you. Ever since college this guy has annoyed everyone with his overly animated play. I’ll keep this short and sweet:

# 1 – Jason Terry

Why you love him:
Nobody on this planet believes more in your team than Jason Terry. In fact, the guy is probably sporting a tattoo of your team logo as he’s hoisting up contested 3’s… and making them. Jason Terry is one of the single most underrated players of our time. He has a mouth the size of an ocean; but being the second best player on a championship team (that at times he carried, offensively ) he can now back up his mouth with jewelry.
Jason Terry is number 1 on this list and it should be taken as a compliment. While he is obnoxious to fans across the country, the guy is a big-time player. He will always step up for your team in the 4th and if you think he’s afraid of the moment, he’s not.
You’ll always remember Jason Terry as the guy who idiotically called out Lebron James in the NBA Finals and then awesomely backed it up.

Why we hate him:
Where do we start? Here’s some direct quotes from the voters:

-“Just the worst.”

-“Watching this bald, headband-wearing sniper is a lot like sticking your balls in a door frame and smashing them repeatedly.”

There are 3 levels of cockiness and then Jason Terry. It’s perfect science. Not only does he talk about how awesome he is, he does it in the 3rd person, AND he uses his nickname (an inanimate object) in the third person AND he talks like he is that inanimate object! Example of the levels of cockiness below.

Level 1: I wrote a great column, today
Level 2: Jason wrote a great column, today
Level 3: The Lion wrote a great column, today
Jason Terry Level 4 : The Lion was on the prowl and hunted him some delicious prey today!

So it’s safe to say that Jason Terry is annoying, and if my team loses to that guy because of something he did, it’s the single worst feeling in the world.


-Carlos Boozer got 2 votes but doesn’t count due to his own fans disliking him.

– The entire Utah Jazz got a vote (no idea how that works).

– Players who got votes that were too good to qualify include Garnett, Pierce, Wade, Rondo.

– The player that drew the most profanity from our voters was Raymond Felton.


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