The Deluxe Existence of LeBron James

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LeBron crouched in the heather hut, staring into the dying embers, his eyes walking the endless branching path of the Otherworld, home of the faeries. Then he tossed a precious mouthful of Voss Water on the flames and watched his destiny arise from the smoke. Voss World is both a real and virtual place, comprised of Voss enthusiasts, a global society that spans 49 countries and continues to expand while transcending borders and cultures with its values. One of those borders, as James and most others were well aware, was the future.

“I see Dwyane Wade, lying on the field of battle, his knees gone. I know what I must do.”

He took a sip of precious Voss Water, feeling the familiar hydrating thrill begin to stimulate the special nerve endings that only elite athletes possess. Some thought Voss was just fancy water, of course, but that’s because they were just human, which is basically like being a lump of clay in a world of platinum. The platinum isn’t just better than you, it can crush you completely. But it chooses not to because this gesture of superiority allows it to feast even more on your inferiority waves. Little known fact: Elite athletes are nourished by how pathetic everyone else is. And Voss Water.

As he stepped into his Voss Water shower, he let his kimono fall to the floor, his gorgeous, nearly translucent wings unfurling. Voss Water both gave people beautiful wings and also enabled them to conceal these when necessary. But everybody knows that, it’s right on the website. Everyone’s read the Voss Water website. Some day it will be the only website on the internet. And the internet will be way better.

After the shower, wings carefully hidden, LeBron went for a jog around his gorgeous, sylvan neighborhood. “Hey, LeBron,” his neighbor said. “Gotta stay in shape, right?”

“Actually, believe it or not, I never stop being in absolutely peak shape, no matter what I do,” LeBron said. “It’s just that my cells are absolutely saturated with the sublime yet incandescent energy of Voss Water. If I want to drink more of that sweet, sweet nectar I have to sweat a little bit or it will be unsafe.”

“That’s a surprisingly weird thing to say, to be honest.”

“Did you know that the word ‘nectar’ derives from ancient Greek, in which the *tar suffix indicates the denial of something, and the nec prefix comes from the same root as, say, necrosis or necrophile? That is, it literally means a beverage which defies death? Which is true. I once saw a bottle of Voss water literally punch the Grim Reaper in the jaw and old Death didn’t have the guts to say anything.”

“I’m going inside now.”

LeBron took a big swig from his Voss Water Bottle, feeling it super-oxygenate his blood cells. Cleveland was going to be great. He had foreseen it.

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