The staff came together with some fans to write some “thank you” notes to Kevin Durant for everything he’s given us. Some are serious. Some are not. But we can assure you that all are from the heart… except for the fake one. We’ll let you guess which one that it is. Enjoy.
I’m just going to start this off by telling you that I love you. People always wait until the end of their letters to say “Love, Whoever Lastname.” I’m not about that. I’m telling you now. You’re my best friend. You’ve always been there for me. You’re the greatest person I know. I can’t believe that I get to call you a friend.
Remember when Cynthia and I were having such a hard time? What a rough couple of years. You talked me through all that. You told me I was being dumb and you made me realize just how special she was to me. We’ve got three kids now. You’re Godfather to all of them. I don’t know why I’m telling you stuff you already know. I guess it’s just important to me that you know that I remember. I remember it all.
I remember that road trip we took to Destin five summers ago. I remember how you signed all those autographs outside Bud & Alley’s Taco Bar for four hours and didn’t complain once. I remember how we rented boards and went paddle boarding out to that sand bar and tossed the football around and talked about life and basketball and girls and art and film and music. You’re the reason I consider Failer the greatest album of the 2000′s. You told me about Kathleen Edwards. Even still, when I hear Mercury, I think about the sea.
I remember your best man speech. How you told the ballroom what Cynthia was about to get into with me as a roommate. Such a legendary speech. That Ben Mendelsohn reference and that Hanes joke just killed. My mom had champagne coming out of her nose she was laughing so hard.
I’m digressing, though. I’m here to tell you thanks. Thanks for being who you are and representing what you represent. Thanks for giving me something to strive for. I’m 25 years old and, sure, I’ve got a wife, three kids, and a wonderful, thriving Moon Bounce business, but I haven’t done anything like what you’re doing at 25. You’re at a point where putting up only 30 points makes people wonder if something’s wrong with you. I’m at a point where I consider it a pretty big success if I can fill up the ice tray and not spill water on the kitchen floor during the walk from the sink to the refrigerator. I’m saying, you make me want to be a better man.
You’re you, you do you, and you chill.
Tyler Parker – @_tkparker
Hey man. What’s up?
Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for making this season so fun. To be honest, I’m a fan of another team and it pisses me off every time you torch us. But with basketball being so dull with injuries, you’ve made me obsessively look forward to watching you play.
Also, I wanted to say —-
Ugh – hold on. My wife wants to say something….
Kevin, this is Jason’s wife.
THANK YOU KEVIN. OH, THANK YOU KEVIN.
THANKS FOR TAKING MY HUSBAND AWAY FROM ME EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF THE WEEK WHEN WE HAVE A TWO WEEK OLD BABY AT HOME. THANKS FOR MAKING MY HUSBAND SCREAM SEVERAL TIMES A GAME, CAUSING OUR BABY TO WAKE UP MOMENTS AFTER I’VE PUT HIM TO SLEEP. THANKS FOR MAKING MY HUSBAND GO INTO A HYPNOTIC STATE CAUSING HIM TO PHASE OUT ANY NOISE — ESPECIALLY THE NOISE OF A CRYING BABY. THANKS FOR CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM OF MY SEVERE LACK OF SLEEP. YEAH… THANKS SO MUCH KEVIN DURANT. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. GO F*** YOURSELF.
Geez, dude. I’m sorry. I really am thankful. She just doesn’t get it.
Thanks again man!
Jason Gallagher – @jga41agher
Thank you. You’re the best thing to come out of PG county since Mya, and you make us all forget that Landover Mall only has a Sears left. And even though the Redskins are causing us all kinds of heartache, you are anything but a fair-weather fan. Don’t think your tweets go unnoticed, @KDtrey, I see you HAILING every week. I’m not even that mad that you didn’t go to Maryland. Ok, to be honest, I’m still a little bitter about that, but I’m grateful that you didn’t go to Duke – you had the decency to know better. You make it easier to explain to people in other cities that I’m not from Baltimore, and you give me a reason to want to visit Oklahoma (I’m sure it’s nice, but I mean, we’re from the suburbs, KD, I don’t know what to do if I see that much land without any people.) Thank you for making PG county proud, and thank you for being a shining example of what it means to be raised in the DMV. You are truly flyer than the rest of them.
Mary Catherine – @yomarycatherine
p.s. DC CHILLIN’ PG CHILLIN’ your name’s KD and you came to get it, came to get it, came to get it.
Thank you Kevin Durant, because of you, my coworkers offered me 12 of the 22 donuts in the box.
Thank you Kevin Durant, because of you, my boss gave me 54 more vacation days.
Thank you Kevin Durant, because of you, I too can have 10 times more turnovers than anyone else in a game against the Spurs and have no one care.
Thank you Kevin Durant.
Josh – @joshspilker
Last week I journeyed 8 hours to watch you play in Houston. Some said, “Caleb, don’t go all the way to Houston, Russ is hurt.” But I had faith… faith in you. On that night, I was privileged to watch you tease James Harden by letting him get a first half lead (he really thought he was going to win – you really got him there), only to rip it away from his hairy grasp. Rumor has it that he wept for 12 hours after the game, fearing the Slim Reaper. That night I witnessed greatness. Thank you for allowing me to be a very obnoxious Thunder fan in Houston. This past week you have proved to be the greatest. Thank you, KD
Caleb Martin – @calebmartin01
Dear Mr. Durant
1. Thank you for showing me how to play every song from Badmotorfinger on drums. Your time in Seattle was not wasted. Though I still think you underestimate Mudhoney.
2. Thank you for solving Gettier’s epistemological problem: it is justified true belief that making a 30 ft. trey with 2-3 lengthy defenders in your face with 2 seconds left in the game is impossible, yet I have knowledge that shot’s going in, if and only if you are taking it.
3. Thank you for allowing me to name my newly discovered dinosaur after you: tall as T. Rex (but with longer arms), a clever pack hunter like Velociraptor (but loves his mom), more fearsome than both.
Dustin – @walrusmuse
No words can tell the appreciation I have for your recent scoring spectacle. You have given not only Thunder fans, but all basketball fans something extraordinary to witness. If I were to climb every mountain and declare your greatness, too few would hear. If I were to hang banners in your honor, they would pale in comparison of your true splendor. If I discovered a thousand worlds and searched all of them for a worthy opponent to face you, he would surely be crushed under your feet. You can move smaller defenders with your great strength. You can evade large foes with your marvelous speed. You can soar higher than eagles with your unmatched wingspan. You are Kevin Durant.
Alexander – @alexmshirley
Imagine you were a senior in high school. Imagine that freshman year, you stumbled butt backwards into landing the hottest girlfriend in the school – hell the hottest girlfriend in the history of the school – and then managed to hang on to her for four years. Imagine that those four years were just one long, running Dazed and Confused kegger in the woods. And then imagine she started visiting colleges. And she started acting a little bit distant. And then she suggested that once she got to college, maybe you should give each other some room to grow. And then she went silent for weeks. And then she called a televised special called “The Decision” and hired Jim Grey to host it and claimed it was all for charity and then stomped on your junk on national TV while you cried into a Papa John’s cheesy bread at home. I mean, that she was taking her talents to whatever, you get the point.
So Kevin, as a Clevelander, let me say: Thank you. These last two years, he’s gotten his way. Nearly everything he wanted when he set off on his new life has come true: the titles, the MVPs, the brand, the adoration. It’s just about all clicking right now. We have the worst record in basketball since 2010. Ugh.
But, here the thing: I say it’s “just about all clicking” right now because of you. You, my friend, are the one remaining pain in his ass. While, yes, we all know that at the end of the day he’s the best basketball player on the planet (and you probably know that too), on the sheer force of jumper after jumper after jumper, you have hung on the edge of his orbit. When someone says, “Who is the greatest basketball player in the world?” there’s still at least a faint moment of conversation, a hint of caveat, a trace of dispute. Because of you, he can’t entirely leave earth behind. And for that, Kevin, I thank you immeasurably.
Chandler Goodman and the City of Cleveland – @SuchAGoodman
“It was a pleasure to score.” This is what I like to imagine ran through your head as you lowered your skinny frame into the soothing bath of ice. It was another cool game of 36 points scored on 55% shooting, not to mention against a stingy Spurs’ defense. It placed you at 443 points on the month of January, 93 of these coming from behind the arc and 132 from the charity stripe. Yeah, I suppose it’s humanly possible to put a ball in basket that many times over the course of 12 games. Oh what’s that? You did it on 53% field goal shooting? On 40% three-point shooting? On 89% free throw shooting? Oh… I mean, if he just shot the ball every time down the floor, I could see how tha- Oh. 6 Assists per game. Well then. You deserve a cool down in that bath, Slim. Thank you for providing us with this display of absolute absurdity. Dropping 54 points with Andre Igoudala’s hand in your face for 48 minutes? Man, I don’t know which planet/realm/dimension from whence you descended, but you’re doing fine here in Oklahoma. I suppose it truly is a pleasure to score, and an even greater pleasure to witness it.
Will Shirley – @Will_Shirley
I wrote this for you.
Josh Groban – @joshgroban