Tanking Rules Applied in the Real World: High School

Drunk-Scholarship 11

The Scenario

Craig Doober hates high school.

He just doesn’t understand the point of it all.  It’s a “mind controlling system”, he calls it.  His parents won’t STFU about his grades and cannot comprehend why test scores dictate his allowance money.  Craig doesn’t know when he’s ever going to use algebra, biochemistry, or spelling in the real world.  You know what he IS going to use in the real world?  Throwing the best parties in all of Plano East.  These aren’t just any old parties…

“They are a sick ride to tipsy town”, according to Craig.  “All aboard!” he screams as he burps right in your face and laughs about it.

Craig was once involved in organized sports.  He was a middle line-backer on the JV football team.  The coaches let him go because he showed up drunk to every practice shouting, “I’m Tim Riggins! LYLA!  LYYYYLAAAA!!!!!”  He would them go and cry in the corner of the locker room explaining that Tim and Billy’s relationship is the most beautiful thing since “SHAKESPHERE.”   When people tried to correct his pronunciation, Craig would get mad, throw a punch, wiff, and fall down on his face.  He would then proceed to pass out on the floor for hours.

Craig has missed approximately 58% of classes this year, wrecked two cars, has been arrested six times, and has been suspended a record twenty seven times.  He’s never scored above a C in class.  The only reason he scored that C was because his parents said they would buy his first car if he got a C in any class at all.

“Like any class.  I don’t care.  ANY class will do.  Son of a b**ch.” said Craig’s father.

Craig is expected to eventually graduate high school after a grueling six years.   He calls this “the worst time of his life… except on the weekends” as he throws up a shocker and trips on nothing.


Real World Rules Applied

If he’s lucky, Craig works at his local Blockbuster for the rest of his life.


NBA Tanking Rules Applied

The best college in the state, recognizes Craig’s obvious lack of effort and rewards him with a $25,000 scholarship to their school.  He gets to skip the dorm life and move directly into the finest pent house on campus.  A penthouse doesn’t exist?  BUILD ONE.   They will provide room and board, as well as a fully stocked fridge at all times.

The school wants to give Craig every opportunity to succeed at their university, especially because of the admirable lack of effort to further himself at all.


Meanwhile, Becky Thomas tried very hard in high school.  She wanted to be the first member of her family to attend college.  The only way she could do so is through a scholarship.  She averaged a B+ and was in student counsel and on the track team as a high jumper.  When she applied for a scholarship, the same school replied back with…

“Dear Becky.  We regret to inform you… “LOL”.   Craig rules, you drool. Trying is lame
+Read up on tanking here 

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