Stats On Stats On Stats

Last Friday, Zach Lowe had a delightful piece on the new 1984-meets-NBA video tracking system present in 15 arenas. STATS LLC, the system’s provider, in an attempt to drum up new business act of charity, released a small sampling of the stats their surveillances provides. The information it provides is incredible. Unfortunately, Zach had a word limit and wasn’t able to write about some of the more interesting, if less important, stats that STATS LLC tracks.
Ballerball was also given access to these figures. Here is what we found most interesting for each of the 15 teams:
  • Boston – Donnie Wahlberg leads the league in Out of Bounds – Bad Pass turnover receptions by a celebrity with 3 this season.
  • Cleveland – The Cavaliers are averaging N/A points per possession whenever Tristan Thompson does a cartwheel down the court on a fast break.
  • Dallas – 1.3 yards. Farthest Mark Cuban has walked onto the court in order to yell at a ref. #lazy
  • Golden State – Steph Curry’s has 159 facial hair follicles per square centimeter, well below the average number for men of 500.
  • Houston – Rockets fans lead the league in explaining the benefits of fracking to players waiting to inbound the ball.
  • Milwaukee – Milwaukee coaches average 6.26 expletives for each possession in which Brandon Jennings touches the ball.
  • Minnesota – Some guy named Mickael Gelabale has started a game for the Timberwolves this season. Apparently he’s played 119 games in his career…? I think the system is glitching out because that guy doesn’t exist, surely.
  • New York Knicks – After nights where he tweets after 3am EST, J.R. Smith “jogs” back on 97.5% of defensive possessions.
  • Oklahoma City – The Thunder average an incredible 2.67 points per possession while the song “Forgot About Dre” is playing in the background. Beware of the small sample size though, as it has only been played in 3 possessions all season.
  • Orlando – During the first month of the season, 76 media members in the Amway Center said “You know what? This team might sneak into the playoffs!”
  • Philadelphia – Spencer Hawes questions “Obummer” and his policies 18.63 times per game.
  • Phoenix – Extreme heat caused the video system to fry. There are no stats for Phoenix. It’s probably for the best.
  • San Antonio – Neither Drake nor Chris Brown have had a song played in the AT&T Center during the 2012-13 season.
  • Toronto –  John Lucas III has spent the night on Landry Fields’ couch 12 times to this season in an attempt to replicate Linsanity. (Yeah, I thought it was weird STATS LLC had cameras in Fields’ house too.)
  • Washington – Jordan Crawford has to remind people 6.75 times per game that he was that dude that dunked over LeBron on that one YouTube video Nike tried to cover up.
  • BONUS: Teams actually allow 0.16 points per possession MORE on possessions where the PA announcer goads the fans into yelling “DEEE-FENSE!”

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