Yesterday on DailyThunder.com, there was a piece called, The Side Part: Nick Collison almost got me into a fight. It was written by our very own, Tyler Parker. I got curious so I drove to our Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins to talk to the store clerk and get HIS side of the story. His words are below.
So get this. It’s a pretty nice day outside. It ain’t too cold – ain’t too hot. Weather is perfect as hell. I’m just workin’ at my job at the Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskins Robbins combo store while I do my MMA training.
I’m behind the counter, just minding my own and I see a walkin/talkin travesty step through the door of my job. Immediately I wonder if there are children present because this ish ain’t even appropriate.
This dude is…
1. Wearing cutoff sweatpants. (Like…as if this dude didn’t know other people also had the ability to see with their eyes)
2. A Nick Collison jersey.
Alright, see. I don’t have no disrespect for Nick Collison the man. I do got disrespect for the man wearing the Nick Collison replica jersey in Chicago… home to the best team on the plan-iz-et.
Now, even though I’m in my jank uniform, I look like I belong on the cover of GQ or even better… DETAILS MAG compared to this dude. Like, even for a Dunkin/Baskins this guy is under dressed. Dude is lush.
As he’s lookin’ up at our menu like Nick Cage lookin’ at the Declaration of Independence (which it’s like… donuts or coffee? PICK ONE) I can’t help but ask.
“You an Oak City fan?” I ask.
He says he is. I try to hold in my laughter because it’s kinda like… you know when someone tells you they love Two and a Half Men? Like how you judge them immediately? That’s this right here.
I once read this story about how this kid from Malaysia or Minnesota or wherever… his favorite food was bananas, but the thing was… he’d never had pizza. So someone finally educated this kid and gave him pizza. Now that kid’s favorite food is pizza. See… sometimes idiots need educating so I decided today I’d be a Dunkin/Baskins employee AND a teacher of fools.
“You ought to be going for the Bulls” I say.
Dude laughs, real smug-like. “I’m from Oklahoma” he tells me.
Like, might as well tell me your like the color green, right. AKA – That info ain’t necessary.
“I don’t care. You’re in Chicago. Don’t be wearing that stuff around here.”
This dude looks surprised like I just told him I got with his girl or somethin. (Prolly coulda with that outfit he’s got on) I’m about to go Godfather I & III on this b****.”
Alright well, it’s just a jersey,” he says. “It don’t concern you, so I’m gonna wear it where I want.”
INITIATE PUNK OUT MODE
I stare into this fool’s eyes until he realizes the sins he’s committed against myself, this Dunkin/Baskins location, and the great city of Chicago. I can tell it’s working because he looks hella-confused. I just keep staring at him.
“You tough, huh?” I ask. (Genuinely I wanted to know because it’s like… you can’t walk around this city wearing a Nick Collison jersey thinking you ain’t gonna get punked the punk out.)
He asks me “Are you?”
THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE?!
INITIATE BACK-UP PUNK OUT MODE
So I stare some more but this time… I call him a word that I can’t type because my Mom reads this stuff.
He then asks me to chill, which is like… If you asked me what is the one word a dude wearing a Nick Collison jersey would say… it would be “chill”
“Egg and Cheese bagel,” he says.
Ain’t even mad about this. Dang good choice. But still… this dude is just so dumb that I went ahead and got his order ready.
I’m tryin’ to give this guy the benefit of the D. Maybe a thief came to his house and stole all his clothes but left that Nick Collison jersey because he was like “Sh**… I an’t about to be caught dead in a Nick Collison jersey.” Maybe his blind girlfriend bought him that and he feels bad like he needs to wear it. Maybe he came across some pissed off genie or witch or wizard or something and they cursed his ass by saying “you gotta wear this janky Nick Collison jersey.” I don’t know.
This dude heads for the door and I think he’s leaving all peaceful because he’s realized the mistake he’s made and he says…
“Westbrook’s better than Rose.”
My ears are still recovering but I let his royal lushness know that his lifetime ban of this Dunkin’/Baskins location is officially in place.
That’s all I got.