We’ve reached the end of our patented Season Previews. We hope you’ve enjoyed your time here and place a lot of bets based on the information our experts have given you. Our final division is the land that makes no sense according to each city’s location… The Northwest Division.
Check out our other previews!
The Denver Nuggets
Best Case Scenario: Kenneth Faried’s hair coincidentally is the beanstalk Timofey Mozgov and Arron Afflalo needed to climb to achieve basketball greatness. Danilo Gallinari offers some “magic beans” he found in his pocket. They are, in fact, Aspirin. Team wins 25 games.
Worst Case Scenario: Gary Harris keeps Nugget fans thigh-deep in excitement and heart-rending hope, but not both. Brian Shaw becomes beloved philanthropic community member, thus increasing his chances of not being canned.
Breakout Star: The spelling of Jusuf Nurkic’s name.
Best Case Scenario: Underwhelming on-court results are redeemed by a kick ass public access TV show with a segment called, “JaVale: The Great Adventure.”
Worst Case Scenario: JaVale starts breeding a strain of Kush called “JaVale: The Great Adventure” and the team tumbles to 25 wins.
Breakout Star: Legal weed as a late-night NBA enhancement.
Best Case Scenario: If one of the four hundred once-highly-thought-of centers they’ve accumulated becomes an impact player, that would probably be a decent development.
Worst Case Scenario: Ty Lawson loses his weirdly enormous headband and with it his magic powers. Later it’s revealed that it was a normal sized headband, and he has an abnormally small forehead, ending his career.
Breakout Star: Jusuf Nurkic, but in a game of Wheel of Fortune, given the vowels.
The Minnesota Timberwolves
Best Case Scenario: Ricky Rubio’s frugal spending habits lead to him to purchase 55 Cancri e, a planet that scientists expect has a mass considerably comprised of pure diamonds. Timberwolves begin playing home games on new planet, win each one by forfeit after opposing teams can’t get there in time. T-Wolves rule the galaxy.
Worst Case Scenario: Zach LaVine is, in fact, too young to play in the National Basketball Association, is made to sit at the kid’s table for the entirety of the season, or until true love’s kiss sets him free.
Breakout Star: Andrew Wiggins and Anthony Bennett’s tandem comedy routine. Coming to an underdeveloped theater near you!
Best Case Scenario: A mild winter!
Worst Case Scenario: Anthony Bennett teaches Andrew Wiggins how to cook!
Breakout Star: Anthony Bennett’s enchilada recipe!
Best Case Scenario: Fun! Entertainment! Less despair, basically!
Worst Case Scenario: The crushing reality that the statistical improbability of any team ever winning a championship makes all moves ultimately meaningless sends Flip into a tailspin, in which he dresses like emo Peter Parker in Spiderman 3. Morale plummets.
Breakout Star: Anthony Bennett, but as a lounge singer.
The Oklahoma City Thunder
Best Case Scenario: Kevin Durant comes back with the strongest right foot the league has ever seen, uses it to springboard off Serge Ibaka’s latissimus dorsi.
Worst Case Scenario: Durant is forced to ride a scooter for the rest of his life.
Breakout Star: Perry Jones’ smirk.
Best Case Scenario: Standing around while staring absently at each other proves to be the new playoff offense strategy du jour and the Thunder bring home the title.
Worst Case Scenario: Westbrook and Durant blow out each other’s’ knees while trying to simultaneously dunk one basketball.
Breakout Star: The Steven Adams – Mitch McGary buddy cop parody that the marketing department shoots and shows during timeouts.
Best Case Scenario: Thunder players gain confidence playing without Kevin Durant. Reggie Jackson finally finds the courage to ask that cute checkout girl for a date.
Worst Case Scenario: Anthony Morrow performs weird experiments on his teammates, turning some of them into human-animal hybrids. Everyone realizes Oklahoma isn’t in the Northwest.
Breakout Star: Nick Collison, but for running into someone really hard.
The Portland Trailblazers
Best Case Scenario: Damian Lillard’s #4BarFriday campaign causes opponents to forget their job responsibilities on Fridays; Portland goes undefeated on the day that precedes Saturday.
Worst Case Scenario: Lillard spends contract money on giant cruise ship, consequently loses investment, has to re-sign for Steve Blake shoe-deal money, cripples team’s chances over subsequent decade.
Breakout Star: Allen Crabbe’s seafood-eating game.
Best Case Scenario: They become the NBA’s Guardians of the Galaxy, a successful, feel-good action movie
Worst Case Scenario: They become the NBA’s Bourne Legacy, entertaining enough to have on TNT while you’re cleaning your apartment
Breakout Star: Carrie Brownstein. She’s overdue for a mainstream breakout.
Best Case Scenario: The city manages to alter the birth certificate for all citizens, making them all officially over the age of 67, allowing them to officially retire. In basketball news, Dame Lillard’s 3-pointer to beat the Rox doesn’t become the most exciting moment in Blazers history besides the championship.
Worst Case Scenario: Nicolas Batum, reaching for a steal, realizes that he never has to stop reaching, ultimately reaching out to devour the sun like Fenrir.
Breakout Star: Joel Freeland, but as an extremely democratic nation.
The Utah Jazz
Best Case Scenario: Gordon Hayward literally puts the entire roster on his shoulder blades and carries them to 30 wins.
Worst Case Scenario: Hayward’s back gives out, Alec Burks croaks, “No worries everyone pile on me.”
Breakout Star: Steve Novak’s coif.
Best Case Scenario: Dante Exum continues to demonstrate Young Kobe’s athleticism, motor, competitiveness, and skillset and Anthony Bennett’s general demeanor.
Worst Case Scenario: Dante Exum demonstrates Anthony Bennett’s athleticism, motor, competitiveness, and skillset and Young Kobe’s demeanor
Breakout Star: Hopefully announcers having to call for a lot of “Enes-Favors ball action”
Best Case Scenario: Utah continues to exist, nobody is harmed.
Worst Case Scenario: Journalists begin to point out that Utah’s actually ended up with a fair amount of exciting young talent over the last few years, so the fact that they still completely blow should be alarming to tank enthusiasts
Breakout Star: Alec Burks, but for being kind of a jerk to British people.