Here exclusively for the readers of Ballerball are the rejected pitches for KIA Motors cross promotions with the National Basketball League.
Possible Pitches for KIA commercials: FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY PROPERTY OF KIA MOTORS AND EAGLESHAM ADVERTISING LLC
With the success of our Blake Griffin commercials we are hoping to get some more spots shot before the end of the playoffs. Here are the best that we could come up with over the weekend.
EXT. NIGHT – Driveway
A basketball hoop attached to a garage door. A young boy keeps missing jump shots. A Blue and Gold KIA drives up and honks. Steph Curry gets outs.
Hey little me.
WOAH. Who are you?
I’m you. In ten years. Keep shooting those J’s and they will start going in.
Maybe one day you could buy a KIA.
Why would anyone want to do that?
Korean cars are terrible.
Look kid. You’re thinking of HYUNDAI.
KIA’s have always been reliable.
Now keep shooting and take it easy on your ankles.
Are you sick?
What? No. I’m fine.
You look kind of skinny.
We don’t put on any weight in the next ten years?
Look kid. Just keep shooting and get yourself a Kia.
EXT. DAY – Gymnasium
A lone figure is dunking in an empty gym. A car crashes through the gym wall. Dwight Howard gets out.
Hey man. Why did you drive through that wall?
What is wrong with you?
I’m Dwight Howard. I do what I want.
But I’m Dwight Howard. You can’t be Dwight Howard.
I’m you. From the future. I am also Dwight Howard.
No way bro. I’m the only Dwight.
You don’t get it. I travelled through time in a KIA.
We are both Dwight Howard.
You can’t be me. Dwight would never drive a KIA.
Do we grow up to be poor and ugly?
I’m rich. And I’m not ugly. You’re ugly.
It sounds like we grow up to be dumb too.
You’re mean little kid.
EXT. DAY – Tennis Court
A gangly kid is practicing his serve on a tennis court. A red and black KIA crashes through the fence. Joakim Noah gets out.
What’s up little me.
Mon dieu. C’est un monstre. Chacun de fonctionner.
C’est un homme de la bête horrible.*
*Translation* – My god. It’s a monster. Everyone run. It is a horrible beast man.
Ext. DAY – County Fair
A young boy is refused entrance to the Ferris Wheel. He is too short. An all black KIA drives through the line. Dozens of people are run over. It’s actually really terrifying. It seems the driver didn’t know what he was doing. Nate Robinson gets out.
Hey man. You killed all those people.
What is wrong with you?
Sorry. I have trouble seeing over the dash of my brand new Kia.
It drives like a dream though, little me.
Wait a minute. You’re me? What happens?
How come you’re so short?
We stop growing in the sixth grade.
But hey, at least we get to drive a Kia.
You’re a tiny little murder future me.
I was time traveling. I just wanted to see little me.
So much blood on my hands.
I will jump back to….
A second black KIA drive out of nowhere and runs over the people the first car didn’t hit. A second Nate Robinson gets out.
Nate Robinson (Two)
NOT AGAIN. We can’t change the past Nates. Unless….
A third black KIA drives out of nowhere and runs over Little Nate. A third Nate Robinson gets out of the car.
Nate Robinson (Third)
All the Nate’s disappear.
Look for these spots in the next couple of weeks. We also are reaching out to JR Smith but apparently he doesn’t have a driver license or something. I will follow up with his agent.
KIA and The NBA: It’s a slam dunk!!!!