Reggie Rose Scouting Report: The Bulls

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nba_g_bulls01jr_576

Last week, Reggie Rose, the older brother of Chicago Bulls injured point guard Derrick Rose, made headlines when he criticized the franchise’s roster, telling Chicago media, “It’s frustrating to see my [Derrick] play his heart and soul out for the team and them not put anything around him.”


As it turns out, Reggie has long been maintaining his own scouting reports of Bulls players. Below are some that he turned over.

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CARLOS BOOZER – PF

Positives

  • Good enough to be in the NBA
  • Does some tricky bank shots I respect

Negatives

  • Boring to watch, even though he’s not terrible
  • His post dunk celebrations make me feel uncomfortable
  • Always shows me pictures of his kids!

Analysis

Boozer makes how much a year? $14M!?! What’s that one movie where the robbers rob the dude that robbed them? The Italian Job? Yea, if I was Jerry Reinsdorf, I would DEF Italian Job Boozer! Boozer needs to get Italian jobbed!! He’s just like Edward Norton in The Italian Job! $14M!! smh…

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RICHARD HAMILTON – SG

Positives

  • Old man game
  • Makes mad jump shots
  • Reminds me of my friend’s grandpa

Negatives

  • Couldn’t get a rebound if it’s live-in boyfriend just cheated on it and it just drank a whole bottle of Moet by itself. No rebounds!
  • Reminds me of my friend’s grandpa

Analysis

I like Richard, but he is the oldest man I know. I think he’s 100. He still runs around like a younger man, but when I look at his scraggly beard, I can tell how old he really is. So old! The oldest! No one cares about your stories from the 90s Richard!  

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NAZR MOHAMMED – C


Positives

  • Extremely big. One of the biggest people I know
  • Surprisingly funny. Always pranking on Joakim
  • Has played on lots of team, so always has restaurant recommendations

Negatives

  • Weird to watch run
  • Anti-chick magnet. No game

Analysis
I like Nazr. He will definitely be invited to Derrick’s birthday party (as long as he promises not to talk to girls). But he is old too – He might be as old as Richard! Plus, he’s so un-athletic. He’s always tripping and falling! He should be a clown at kids’ birthday parties, not in the NBA!

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NATE ROBINSON – PG

Positives

  • Amazing dunker
  • Great impersonation of Coach Thib. I love it
  • Beast mode athlete

Negatives

  • Knuckle head
  • Does not respect Derrick
  • Very short

Analysis

Nate has skills but he is too cocky and should become a Harlem Globetrotter or do dunking commercials for Sprite. He keeps challenging Derrick to games of one-on-one, even though Derrick’s record against him is 37-0, including a beatdown Derrick laid on him two weeks after hi ACL surgery. Nate is still always talking smack.

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MARCO BELLINELLI – SG

Positives

  • None. The only positive about Marco is that he’s positively terrible!

Negatives

  • Funny voice that I hate
  • Everything else too!

Analysis

The worst!! A scrub!! Can’t ball AND I don’t understand anything he says!! I keep telling Derrick to stop talking to him, but he’s too nice to ice him out! I’m always telling him he’s too nice. This dude is a scrub!! Derrick should NOT be talking to this dude. Come on, Bulls!

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