We’ve all heard the rumor some way or another. Perhaps it was buried somewhere deep in a message board, or passed along in an off-hand comment from a cousin, or blasted out in a group text from that one crazy friend you. Regardless, you know the one I’m talking about… the one that says that Voss Water is actually not a mid-size Norwegian bottler and retailer of fresh spring water, but is, in fact, actually a front organization puppeteered by a clandestine network of international criminals, which purveys water only as a way to infiltrate and destroy the NBA and profit from its ruins.
When I first encountered this rumor, like all of us, I thought, “what’s Voss Water?” Then I Googled Voss Water and was like, “Yea right, Voss Water is actually a front organization puppeteered by a clandestine network of international criminals, which purveys water only as a way to infiltrate and destroy the NBA and profit from its ruins.” But then I thought about it more and was like, “wait, what if Voss Water is actually a front organization puppeteered by a clandestine network of international criminals, which purveys water only as a way to infiltrate and destroy the NBA and profit from its ruins.”
So I did some research, and here’s the thing… I think it might be true! Take a look for yourself.
I started my research doing some basic Googling (“NBA + Voss Water”), and the initial results were pretty banal. For instance, here’s Jeremy Lin and David Lee having dinner.
Nothing about this says, “Conspiracy to destroy one of the most popular sports leagues on earth,” right?
But then I dug a bit deeper. And the thing is, the more I Googled “Voss Water + NBA,” the less fruitful my searches got. It was strange. Almost, too strange? So, eventually, on a hunch, I googled “Bad NBA Moments.” I didn’t mention Voss Water one iota. And that’s when things started to get interesting…
For instance, take a closer look at LeBron’s “The Decision” TV special from 2010.
Didn’t notice ALL THAT VOSS WATER before, did you!? Yea, neither did I.
Now that I seemed to have a scent on Voss, I kicked things up a notch and searched, “NBA + Embarrassing Moments.” And THAT is when the flood gates opened.
As basketball fans, we’ve all seen the cover for Kobe’s 2000 rap single k.o.b.e. (featuring Tyra Banks). But, am I the only one that missed the GIANT BOTTLE OF VOSS ON THE COVER??
Or how about this picture of Carmelo Anthony dressed like a 1940s Cuban General looking to overthrow the Batista regime? We all know that it’s unbelievably, unacceptably bad, just a complete and abject failure of fashion and good taste…
But taken together with the VOSS WATER BOTTLE he’s being handed, it’s downright suspicious!
Well if you think that’s fishy, look at this picture of Andre Drummond shooting a free throw. It just looks like his normal, reliably-terrible form at first glance, huh? (Why does he have his hands place at 3 and 9 on the wheel?)
Well, DID YOU NOTICE RA’S AH GUL AND ABU NASIR IN THE STANDS! And what are they drinking?? GIANT BOTTLES OF VOSS WATER, THAT’S WHAT!
Don’t worry it gets worse! Remember when Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury cemented their partnership to return the Knicks to glory?
Yea, well that guy next to them? That’s not just your average Wall St. exec with courtside seats. No, THAT’S FORMER ENRON CEO JEFFREY SKILLING SIPPING FROM A BOTTLE OF NORWAY’S FINEST!
Ever heard whispers that the 2002 Western Conference Finals Game 6 was fixed? We all have, right? But who would fix it?
MAYBE VOSS-SWILLING DRACO MALFOY, THAT’S WHO!
Ever think the Tim Donaghy scandal was so bad for the league, it was like the mob planned it?
NOTHING WASHES DOWN A SATRIALE’S SAUSAGE LIKE A BOTTLE OF VOSS, HUH!?
When you watched Ron Artest charge into the stands in Detroit, did it almost feel like maybe his anger was some evil genius’ lab experiment?
Because maybe it was, and maybe that “someone” was DR. EVIL HIMSELF!
Finally, do you remember the Gold Club Trial? You know, the one where Patrick Ewing, called as a witness in proceeding against an Atlanta area strip club owner, had to say the following words in a court of law: “The girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left.” Well look who the judge was in the case…
Hans Gruber, that’s who!!
So, reach you can conclude what you will. But they say pictures speak a thousand words, and if that’s true, this is 9,000 words that says that a far-flung gang of criminals is destroying the league we love through Voss Water’s brand marketing and consumption. And Internet photos never lie.