The square root of a turd is us.
– Joe and Gavin Maloof
I can’t speak to the accuracy of that statement, mainly because they never said it and I just remixed a Rick Ross quote and threw in the word “turd” since Joe and Gavin stink something awful. But they really should have said it, because they are some crap owners.
Not a year after doing this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzvomV0VgCc), they’re trying to sell the squad to Seattle, effectively curb stomping the hearts and souls of the entirety of Sacramento. Cowbell Nation got its bell rung on Wednesday, and they deserved a whole heck of a lot better than what these failing hotelier, vodka peddling, once frosted tipped douche chills gave them.
The Maloofs are fun killing, dream ending, community paralyzing trash hack losers that deserve nothing but brain freezes and rocks in their shoes for the rest of their lives.
This brings us to the BIG news. Ballerball was able to uncover incriminating information on the Maloof Brothers that we had previously agreed not to release under the condition that they not move the team from Sacramento. And well, Joe and Gavin, you do not call Ballerball’s bluff, because I will sing like a songbird and bring you to your knees. You will drown in one another’s tears and I will drag you through the mud like I am Daniel Plainview and you’re that cuffed jeaned Ruby Sparks loving kid.
Below is a list of truths (uneducated guesses or ‘more made up stuff’ based off the fact that they suck) about the Maloofs. These may or may not have been shared in a hot tub on top of the Palms in Vegas while Tila Tequila ran around the pool singing “Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon” over and over until a security guard removed her from the premises. I also might have split an order of chicken fingers with Scott Disick. On to the list.
-They did not like Up.
-They once called Jimmy Goldstein a “can’t hack it panty waist who wears his momma’s bra”
-They’re happy that Whitney is coming back on the air
-They think Connie Britton is ugly
-They have gone on record saying that Lane Kiffin is “a good dude and a pretty chill bro”
-They think Tree of Life was a good movie
-They said that the Space Jam Jordans and the Jordan IV’s were stupid
-They don’t think Rihanna’s that hot
-They once did a pushover on Jeff Van Gundy
-They enjoy hanging out with Jackie Christie
-They were happy Cory cheated on Topanga when he hurt his ankle on the ski trip
-Their favorite character in television history is Dan from One Tree Hill
-They think Yankee Hotel Foxtrot is “drivel”
-They laughed at the end of The Road
-They told me they think your mom is ugly
ZING Vodka causes impotence.