Oh! How the Maloof Brothers Suck, Let Me Count The Ways



The square root of a turd is us.

– Joe and Gavin Maloof

I can’t speak to the accuracy of that statement, mainly because they never said it and I just remixed a Rick Ross quote and threw in the word “turd” since Joe and Gavin stink something awful. But they really should have said it, because they are some crap owners.

Not a year after doing this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzvomV0VgCc), they’re trying to sell the squad to Seattle, effectively curb stomping the hearts and souls of the entirety of Sacramento. Cowbell Nation got its bell rung on Wednesday, and they deserved a whole heck of a lot better than what these failing hotelier, vodka peddling, once frosted tipped douche chills gave them.

The Maloofs are fun killing, dream ending, community paralyzing trash hack losers that deserve nothing but brain freezes and rocks in their shoes for the rest of their lives.

This brings us to the BIG news. Ballerball was able to uncover incriminating information on the Maloof Brothers that we had previously agreed not to release under the condition that they not move the team from Sacramento. And well, Joe and Gavin, you do not call Ballerball’s bluff, because I will sing like a songbird and bring you to your knees. You will drown in one another’s tears and I will drag you through the mud like I am Daniel Plainview and you’re that cuffed jeaned Ruby Sparks loving kid.

Below is a list of truths (uneducated guesses or ‘more made up stuff’ based off the fact that they suck) about the Maloofs. These may or may not have been shared in a hot tub on top of the Palms in Vegas while Tila Tequila ran around the pool singing “Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon” over and over until a security guard removed her from the premises. I also might have split an order of chicken fingers with Scott Disick. On to the list.

-They did not like Up.
-They once called Jimmy Goldstein a “can’t hack it panty waist who wears his momma’s bra”
-They’re happy that Whitney is coming back on the air
-They think Connie Britton is ugly
-They have gone on record saying that Lane Kiffin is “a good dude and a pretty chill bro”
-They think Tree of Life was a good movie
-They said that the Space Jam Jordans and the Jordan IV’s were stupid
-They don’t think Rihanna’s that hot
-They once did a pushover on Jeff Van Gundy
-They enjoy hanging out with Jackie Christie
-They were happy Cory cheated on Topanga when he hurt his ankle on the ski trip
-Their favorite character in television history is Dan from One Tree Hill
-They think Yankee Hotel Foxtrot is “drivel”
-They laughed at the end of The Road
-They told me they think your mom is ugly

Shocking, gut wrenching, make you stop believing in humanity type stuff. I can’t believe they’re not in jail either. Yes, I agree, the Connie Britton hate is the toughest to swallow. It was necessary to bring these things to light, though, because people need to know the depth of their awfulness. And yes, I realize that the unveiling of this information could cause serious physical harm to come to me. I saw Casino, I know how this stuff works. That is a chance I am willing to take. But please, if anything does happen to me, play Bring Da Ruckus at my funeral while you bury me inside the Gucci store.
Anyways. The Maloofs. They suck. Hard.
Go and tell the world.

ZING Vodka causes impotence.

1 Comment

  • Reply January 11, 2013


    How could they seriously like Dan, he wasn’t even a dad to Lucas. He treated Nathan like crap and put way too much pressure on him to follow in his footsteps and be a basketball star (which he did, convincingly superseding him, actually). Not too mention uhhh…killing his own heart-of-gold brother Keith. Unforgivable, despite his behavior in the latter years of his life and the fact that he was a great grandpa to Jamie… Still unforgivable..

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