CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL FLASH ALERT!!!
This is an urgent warning for physicians and hospitals across the country. As of 8:05 EST this morning, the CDC has raised the Epidemic Threat Level (EDL) to Robin’s Egg Blue. This is the second-highest threat level on the EDL scale (The highest threat level is Aubergine, which signals the Zombie Apocalypse.) Please make the necessary preparations.
The disease in question is Acute Tankorrhagic Fever (ATF).
Over the last month, the CDC has seen a sharp uptick in the number of reported cases of ATF, especially in professional basketball players. Even more concerning, the CDC believes there are many more cases going unreported, as hospital administrators and basketball front office personnel may be keeping cases of ATF quiet to prevent panic among fanbases.
There are several general conditions which raise the prevalence of ATF in a given area.
- Warm, springtime weather
- Heavy buildups in the loss column
- Massive decreases in front office job security
ATF is especially prevalent in populations which are prone to:
- Mass hysteria and panic
- Irrational focus on the future
- Violent mood swings
Basically anything that could describe the citizenry of Boston before 2001.
ATF affects the body by causing a chemical imbalance in the brains of professional basketball players. The imbalance is caused by a combination of the factors above with personal frustration and depression. Players who feel their talents are wasted or who begin to hate the sport they once loved are at increased risk of developing ATF. Older players are the most high-risk group while younger, less talented, less experienced players seemed to thrive during ATF epidemics such as this.
The toughest part about containing and treating this disease is the wide variance of symptoms experienced by players stricken with ATF. Some players, like the Phoenix Suns Goran Dragic experience unexplained, sudden onset exhaustion. Others like Cleveland Cavaliers’ star point guard Kyrie Irving have experienced so many different symptoms, his condition seems almost imaginary. The key to diagnosing ATF is not to rule anything out. Is the player experiencing “general stiffness?” Check for ATF. Is the player complaining of longer-than-normal toenails? Check for ATF. Is the player having trouble putting in his contacts? Check for ATF. Is the player Eric Gordon? Check for ATF.
The CDC feels Gordon may be experiencing a rare but serious complication where Acute Tankorrhagic Fever becomes Chronic Tankorrhagic Fever. Gordon has been experiencing every symptom except “the desire to play basketball” for more than two years. At this point, there is no known cause for Gordon’s condition, but it is speculated that he might feel instantly better should he move from the harsh New Orleans climate to some place drier, such as Phoenix.
A higher than normal amount of ATF cases have been reported in the following areas. Physicians and fans in these cities should be extra vigilant.