NBPA Secret Meetings: The Name “Superman”

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It has been brought to our attention that members of the NBA Players Union have been meeting in secret over the past several months.  Through some tough investigative journalism, we’ve obtained the transcripts of these secret meetings and we’ve decided to share these with the world. Enjoy.

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Chris Paul: Alright settle down everyone.  We have a lot of important matters to tend to including the division between conferences and the league’s policies on flopping.  But first on the agenda…you gotta be kidding me…

First on the agenda is the name Superman and who gets to call themselves that?  Really guys?

(grumble grumble grumble)

Dwight Howard: I’ll start.  DWIGHT IN THE HOUSE!  DWIGHT IN THE HOUSE!  Haha.  You guys are really great.  Hey, everyone knock knock…

Chris Paul: Dwight, can you please get on with it?

Dwight Howard: Oh right.  Well I think I should retain my nickname as Superman because I am A: Super and B: I wore that cape in the dunk contest.

Gordon Hayward: That dunk contest was like, half a decade ago!

(grumble grumble grumble)

Chris Paul: Whoa, Gordon.  Be respectful.  Dwight has the floor.

Dwight Howard: Yeah,man.  And what did I ever do to you?

Gordon Hayward: Nothing… I just… maybe it’s time for a new Superman.

Dwight Howard: Who?  You?

Gordon Hayward: Maybe…

(Room erupts in laughter)

Dwight Howard: Ok little dude.  Tell me, what makes you a good Superman?

Gordon Hayward: I’m liked… which is more than you can say!

(grumble grumble grumble)

Chris Paul: Calm down, everyone.  Hey!

Kevin Hart: Man that’s some crazy stuff right there.

Chris Paul: Damn it, Kevin. How many times do we have to tell you that you’re not an NBA player?

Kevin Hart: I know but… I got all these girls and they’re drivin’ me… BANANAS!

(Throws bananas into the crowd.  Room erupts with laughter)

Chris Paul: That’s enough!  Lopez brothers.  Take him away.

Robin Lopez: Aw… but he’s so…

Chris Paul: Do it!

Robin Lopez: Fine.

Chris Paul: Ok, everyone.  So this is just going to come down to a vote with this whole, “who can call themselves Superman” thing.  We’ve got two options.  Dwight and Gordon…

Damian Lillard: And LaMarcus!

(Room ghasps followed by grumble grumble grumble)

LaMarcus Aldridge:  What are you doing?

Damian Lillard: Come on man.  I’ve seen you after practice when the gym is empty.  You dunk the ball and then you put your hands out like your flying like Superman.

LaMarcus Aldridge: Ah man.  You saw that?

Damian Lillard: I did, but that’s ok.  You deserve the be called Superman.  Don’t let your own humility hold you back from who you truly want to be, man.

(Collective “aaawwwwss”)

LaMarcus Aldridge: Alright, I’ll put my name in there.

Chris Paul: Precious.  Anyone else?

Dwyane Wade: Can I still be called the Flash?

Chris Paul:  You can’t be serious…

Dwyane Wade: I know I’m not fast anymore, but I really like that name.

Josh McRoberts: IT SUITS YOU, BRO

Dwyane Wade: Thanks man.

Chris Paul: Yeah, that’s fine.  Who cares.  Can we please move on?

Reggie Jackson: I want to be a super hero.  Can I make one up like…The Power Man.

Chris Paul: Enough!

Joakim Noah: The Power Man?

Chris Paul: Hey!  I said enough!  Now, we have a lot of things to get to here.  We have to stay on topic.  Alright, we have Dwight, Gordon, and LaMarcus up for the nickname “Superman.”  Cast your votes and turn them into me.  Monta Ellis will come around to pick all of them up.

Monta Ellis: Am I picking them up?  Huh.  That’s an interesting choice of words.

Chris Paul: Ugh… Monta Ellis will come around to HAVE THEM ALL.

Monta Ellis: YESSIR.

*Three Hours Later*

Chris Paul: Alright, after all the counting and “redo’s” that most of you have requested, it looks like Dwight Howard will remain the NBA’s Superman.

(grumble grumble grumble)

Dwight: Hell yeah!  Everybody sing it with me now!  “IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN!”

(Only Nick Young joins in to sing the rest of the song with Dwight)  

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