NBA Pictures, also known as Bout Dis Life Studios, has enjoyed some smashing success this year with its reboots of Con Air and Ocean’s Eleven. But all that success has gone to our heads. Trying to cash in on the summer blockbusters, our screenwriting department has been churning out pitches for new remakes 24 hours a day since the NBA playoffs started. I won’t sugar coat it for you. They all suck. Unmitigated garbage. As Dave Chappelle might say, “These are straight up snout.”
But admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, so consider the publishing of these atrocious pitches our admission. You’re welcome, America.
The Great Gatsby
Pitch: Russell Westbrook takes ecstasy and goes to Tomorrowland.
Pitch: When the RV they are driving cross-country breaks down in present-day Detroit, Stan and Jeff Van Gundy must fight roaming packs of dogs, plummeting real estate values, and extreme Diet Pepsi shortages to stay alive.
Pitch: World traveler Kobe Bryant ventures to Japan in search of an adamantium tendon to prolong his career. He drinks ALL the free champagne on the flight and live tweets his experience.
World War Z
Pitch: Canadian Andrew Wiggins is chased across the country by rabid tanking zombie teams including the Jazz, Suns, Magic, and 76ers.
White House Down
Pitch: New Wizard Otto Porter tries to save John Wall from another season of terribleness only to realize Bradley Beal tried to do the same thing only a few months before and failed.
The Dwight Collection
The Dwight Collection is a lot like the Criterion Collection in that only people with too much time on their hands are interested in watching it. The only difference between the Dwight Collection and the Criterion Collection is that critics love Criterion, but they HATE Dwight. Here are some movies with a distinctly Dwight theme.
Now You See Me
Pitch: With the help of James Franco’s little brother Dave, Dwight Howard uses fans’ hatred as misdirection to pull off incredible heists in Orlando and Los Angeles.
Pitch: Omer Asik with the help of that one guy from Sons of Anarchy and that other guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia builds a bad-ass fighting robot to battle an unwanted invader from the Pacific (Division).
The Hangover Part III
Pitch: Dwight pieces together his own feelings from clues in his pocket, hazy memories, and Twitter replies for the third time in three years. (Everyone in America accepts that this had to be a trilogy because there was just too much money involved. Everyone also agrees they’d watch a Stan Van Gundy spinoff if he was played by Zach Galifinakis in a mock turtleneck.)
Man of Steel
Pitch: Dwight does his best to blend in and be a “regular” guy forgetting that he’s 6’11 and 250 lbs. When he’s called upon to help defend the paint (Earth) from invaders, he gets the job done, but not in the compelling way he used to. (This movie is proof that even the NBA’s Christopher Nolan (Daryl Morey) can’t make a turd compelling. We’ve lost the desire to watch Superman destroy cities. We’ve lost the desire to watch Dwight Howard kill franchises.)
Despicable Me 2
Pitch: Dwight adopts three children to engender sympathy from the public. Hilarity does not ensue. (He also acknowledges that he has the emotional maturity and decision making skills of a child, making an animated feature the best thing for him. Look for Howard’s very own Saturday morning cartoon, The Adventures of Gentle, Questionably Stable Superman, in the Fall. Please don’t let your children watch it.)