Ballerball is very excited to introduce a new segment where two of our expert writers have a LIVE email exchange during NBA playoff games. You know, like they do on Grantland.
The following is a real email exchange during the NBA playoffs on May 9th, 2013. (The day that you and our experts will soon find out is a day that absolutely no NBA playoff games are scheduled.)
Gallagher: “I’VE BEEN WAITIN’ ALL DAY FOR A THURSDAY NIGHT!” You psyched for another night of crazy playoff basketball? I know I am. Which game are you most looking forward to?
Parker: I am so psyched I’m going to put on Hansborough jersey and set a screen on my fridge. Then I’m going to commit a flagrant foul on my microwave by tossing it off the roof. I LIVE for this. Definitely most excited for Pacers-Knicks. My namesake plays for the Pacers and Indiana will be a’rocking. Super chill times tonight. I am a #hero.
Gallagher: Oh man! That’s gonna be a really good one. Gosh… so many good games tonight. Both seem super awesome. I think I’m going with the the Memphis vs. Oklahoma City. Speaking of, how good has Derek Fisher been for OKC lately?
Parker: Fisher has been amazing. Just a complete revelation. I’ve openly trashed him throughout the regular season and early in the playoffs, but his play over the last handful of games speaks for itself. He’s been arguably the Thunder’s second best player this postseason which is causing me to seizure right now. a;ldsfk;aldhsgpo;aikgja;b’so[iqjuwporaap;wpeh89agdafg;f.
Parker: What’s your thoughts on Tony Allen? Do you think he’ll be able to duplicate the defense he played on Kevin Durant the last few possessions of Game 2 in Game 3 and beyond?
Gallagher: I absolutely think he can sustain that defense, especially in front of his home crowd. If Tony Allen is anything like his brother Tim, then he can absolutely duplicate that defense from Game 2… infinity and beyond.
Haha. Alright, all jokes aside. It’s GAME TIME!
Parker: Yeaaaaaaaaa. Grizz-Thunds!!!! Wait….why is Castle on right now?????
Gallagher: Huh? What are you talking about? What’s Castle?
Gallagher: Hold on. I see what you’re talking about. “Castle” the hit drama on TNT. That’s strange. Are we sure it’s on TNT? Maybe TNT made a mistake. Check your TV Guide.
Parker: Castle’s this show about this white guy who makes smug faces and wears suits and really works out his eyebrows.
TV Guide is being a jerk. It keeps telling me that I can watch Silver Linings Playbook on demand. Lemme go to ABC. NOTHING. COME ON. ESPN? NO? WAIT A SEC. WHAT IS THIS?
Are we sure there are games tonight? Jason, I’m really scared. There may not be games tonight.
Gallagher: Of coarse there are games tonight. That would be ridiculous and selfish for the NBA to just “take a night off.” No. They wouldn’t do that. Let me check Tru TV. Alright I’m scrolling and I’m finding nothing. Dang.
Aren’t you boys with Royce Young now? Ask him. He would know if there is are games on tonight. I’d ask him but we’re in a Twitter feud right now.
Parker: Isn’t TNT supposed to be doing 40 Games In 40 Nights? What lies are they telling me? Two Emmy’s for Chuck and he gets lazy. Tru TV is a dadgum LIE. THERE IS NO BASKETBALL ON. What is this? A game show about cops who play pranks on each other during a video game demo? THIS IS EGREGIOUS. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
I’m trying to talk to Royce but he keeps tweeting about Premier League soccer. Jason, this is really scaring me. Do you have a copy of Space Jam or something? I really need to watch basketball.
Gallagher: Oh my…
Gallagher: HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO US?! What does the NBA expect us to do now? Are they trying to prove that they have control over us? THIS IS JUST PLAIN SICK. Did they even think of the millions of kids out there that are hungry for basketball?
And I only have the VHS copy of Space Jam but I don’t have a player for it.
Parker: JASON WHAT IS GOING ON? I’M GETTING COLD AND SWEATY AND I FEEL LIKE DYING. The NBA expects us to go to hell, apparently. I can’t see my screen through the tears, dude. STERN IS PROVOKING US. THAT’S WHAT THIS IS. I’m going at him. I’m declaring war on New Jersey accents.
VHS will do. I needs it. I needs it bad. I have the soundtrack. Do you want to come over and listen to it with me and dream that it’s a Sunday ABC afternoon?
Do you still have Steph Curry’s number? Can you call him to see what he can do? I JUST NEED ANSWERS, BRO.
Gallagher: I do but he’s never actually answered it before. He always just says “That’s weird, I didn’t get a missed call” even though I call him 37 times in a row.
Gallagher: This is like the Hunger Games. Stern wants us to all fight to the death. He wants us to remember that are nothing without him. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I’ll GLADLY eat the berries to show him that he doesn’t own me! NOBODY OWNS ME.
Gallagher: Ok ok ok… dude. We have to get a hold of ourselves. The fact is, we’ve both blocked off 6 hours of our day to do a Live Email Exchange like they do on Grantland. We have to do the job right. I’ve worked too dang hard on this sick cover photo (19 hours exactly) to let it go to waste.
Are you with me?!
Parker: That’s EXACTLY what my ex used to do. Don’t deal with that, man. Drop him.
I SHALL EAT THE BERRIES WITH YOU. TELL WOODY HARRELLSON’S GOLDEN LOCKS THAT IM GOING TO MEET MY MAKER.
Also, how cool was that dude from Rue’s district? Thrush? Or whatever his name was. That dude was INCREDIBLE.
“JUST ONE TIME, TWELVE!” More like just this once, Stern. Let’s go at him, Jason. For real.
Hey, did you ever use that Olive Garden gift card?
Parker: IM WITH YOU BUT IM ALSO GOING CRAZY BUT IM ALSO POISED AND READY. Do you think our grandchildren will talk about us?
Parker: Let me rephrase, do you think our grandchildren will talk positively about us?
Gallagher: Was it Thrash or Thrush? Either way I’m naming my grand-kid after that guy, so they’ll have to talk positively about us. Ok… Lets do this!
Gallagher: Uh…. what should we live email exchange about?
Parker: I’m not sure. If it was Thrush then he was straight THRASHING. Real domination on his part. Aside from the whole dying thing.
Lets talk about Continuum!!!!
Parker: The deep dark meanings behind Slow Dancing In A Burning Room? Why Mayer is wearing is starting to wear that Neil Young hat now?
Parker: Did you ever see Wall E? I haven’t seen it. Should I see it? Pixar does things right.
WAIT…There’s a game on NBA TV? Yesssss!!!! This is gre…wait…come on! Never mind. It’s a replay of an old Knicks-Pacers game.
Gallagher: DUDE! Don’t get me excited like that. This roller coaster to hell that the NBA has me on is bumpy enough.
Gallagher: You wanna live email exchange about Castle? I mean, it’s on.
Gallagher: I can just make a quick switch to the cover photo.
Gallagher: Here we go…
Parker: That sounds great, yea.
Who is that girl he’s talking to? Is he into her? I can’t tell. Does he want to be with her? Is he in love with her? Why is his suit so boring.
Oh no there’s a gun!
Parker: Castle is so chill, man.
Gallagher: Wait… is Castle the old blind guy or the little girl selling the cookies?
Parker: I think he’s the black guy playing checkers.
Gallagher: Yeah. That guy is chill.
Parker: That’s a pretty dope tie. Really nice.
Parker: I bet Castle dips his pizza in ranch.
Gallagher: What’s wrong with that? I do that. Castle is a smart man.
Gallagher: I can’t watch this anymore. I mean, why is Castle’s girlfriend a stripper and a nun? This doesn’t make any sense.
We need NBA playoff basketball.
Parker: That is such a chill tie, though.
Gallagher: Tie…. All I can think of is Scott Brooks and his ties… oh. so. Fly.
Gallagher: AAAAHHH!!! I MISS DURANT AND Z-BO AND HIBBERT AND MELO!
Parker: I’m crying from confusion right now. Is this a metaphor? Is Castle America and the blind lawyer North Korea? WHAT IS GOING ON?
Where has all the basketball gone? This is so sad. Is Nate Robinson anywhere?
I need the NBA.
Gallagher: I know… me too.
Gallagher: DUDE! This guy who lives 2 miles away said that Penny Hardaway is on the street corner shouting “You think T-Mac is better than me?! Do you, Pop!? Well watch this!”
He said Penny is just alternating dribbles between his legs. Kinda sad, actually.
It’ll have to do. Meet me in 10
Parker: DUDE I AM THERE! I’ll be the one in the Mark Price jersey singing Somewhere Only We Know.
See you soon!