Well, well, well, we’re a little more than a week out from the draft, and things are constantly changing a top the board! I penciled in my top half of the first round a couple weeks ago, so here’s the second half. Needless to say, my Mock Draft 2.0 might shake up a little different, much like Earthquake in a trick push-up competition. Alas, here we go with the 2nd half of Round 1!
16. Boston Celtics – Justin Bieber, Singer, Canada
The Celtics run is nearing an end, with Allen already off to Miami, KG and Pierce aging and even the potential of Doc and KG heading for LA. What does Boston need? Youthful exuberance! Who better to bring that to Bean Town than the Canadian pop sensation! You need youth and energy? Bieber’s got ya! You need a little flare and excitement? That’s a job for Bieber! Boston needs immediate impact, and Bieber =’s impact.
17. Atlanta Hawks – Larry O’Brien Trophy, Championship, Title
Pop quiz! Who is the only Atlanta professional sports franchise to win a World Championship? Answer: The 1995 Atlanta Braves. That’s right, Atlanta is the opposite of Title Town. They are the losers of all major sports franchises! Braves, good job, good effort. Falcons… Failcons… what’s the difference. Thrashers… lulz. So, the Hawks. Sure, you’ll spend all offseason fantasizing about CP3 and Dwight Howard forming a big three with… Al Horford? In ATL, only to be sorely disappointed when you throw a max deal at Andray Blatche to shore up that front court!
So boom, Title drafted at 17. What more could you ask for?
18. Atlanta Hawks – Larry O’Brien Trophy, Championship, Title
Ba-boom! Back-to-back picks lead to what? Back-to-back titles. Bring home the gold ATL. You can’t win one, so may as well draft one! Amirite or amirite?
19. Cleveland Cavaliers (from Los Angeles Lakers) – Official Retraction from Dan Gilbert, Letter, Oops
Remember that whole big three-ing plan with Kyrie, Nerlens, Bron and the boys? Well, can’t do that without Dan Gilbert saying sorrrrrryyyyyyy!?!?!?! So with 19 overall, Dan Gilbert gets down on his knees and begs and pleads with basketball gods to forgive him for wronging the King.
20. Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s Knee in 2011, Knee, Body Part
Y’all remember when he could do this? Well, get ready to remember it again, cause the Bulls just drafted his healthy knee. Similar to Dallas taking young Dirk, the Bulls have less advanced, though similar, technology which allow them to recreate Rose’s knee… in a healthy state. Rejoice, Chicago. The MVP hath risen.
21. Utah Jazz – Other Guy You’ve Never Heard of That Will be an All-Star, Somewhere, Anywhere
Admit it… you know Utah Jazz basketball like you know Delonte West sticking his finger in your ear. So yeah, this is happening, again. The Jazz are drafting some European dude or 5th-year senior that average five and five, and this person will amazingly become a superstar, because, you know, Utah and all that.
22. Brooklyn Nets – Yeezus, Savior, Eternity
Beat that reaction! Who isn’t excited about Yeezus? If Prokorhov had his druthers, he’d thrown his millions at the sexiest, most entertaining, most interesting players available. Well, he gets his druthers here. Yeezus falls to 22, which seemed impossible just a month ago. Reportedly he’s added some baby weight, which may cause a few teams higher on the board to pass.
23. Indiana Pacers – Workmanclass Player, Tweener, Hometown USA
The Pacers are basically the Jail Breakers with morals, mature Zac Randolph to complete the metaphor. They will beat you up, knock you out… all with a touch of good ole Midwestern class. Jimmy Chitwood ain’t Indiana basketball. Hard fouls, solid free throws and hard work is Indiana basketball. Be’lee dat.
24. New York Knicks – Carmelo Anthony Pass, Miracle
Oh, boy. Carmelo tried to pass! What more could you ask for in the late 1st round. This will surely put the Knickerbockers over the top!
25. Los Angeles Clippers – New Owner, Human Being, Please Anyone At All, Please
Is there any other emotion you feel as a Clipper fan other than that perfectly captured by James Van Der Beek, so long as Donald Sterling owns your franchise? Oh sure, you made the big play for Chris Paul and lob city and all that. Oh sure, so fun and sexy and interesting. Until he leaves to big three in New Orleans with Anthony Davis and Greivis Vasquez!!!!!!!!
26. Minnesota Timberwolves – Trey Burke, PG, Michigan
Kahn may be gone, but this organization’s principles are unchanged. Give us point guards, or give us death, they say. The T’Wolves are ecstatic that Burke fell to 26 and jump on immediately. Sure, they have Ricky Rubio. But you can never have enough point guards, dog.
27. Denver Nuggets – Phil Jackson, Elite Coach, Williston, ND
Phil be schoolin’ people always, and the Nuggets fired George Karl cause yeah, man, he lost to Phil once. Can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, amirite? OfcourseI’mrite. Nugs swears they are getting an elite coach and they deliver on that promise in this draft, landing Phil Jackson!
28. San Antonio Spurs – Some Euro Dude, Whatever, Wherever
Does it really matter? The Spurs will draft some undersized, non-athlete that will end up kicking your ass up and down the court in three years anyway, cause, you know, Spurs. That’s pretty much what they do. Oh, 6’0 French PG that can’t shoot? We call those superstars. Oh, wild Argentinian that’s prone to go off the script and do whatever he feels at any given moment. Those are called studs in our system.
29. Oklahoma City Thunder – Ben McLemore, SG, Kansas
The Oklahoma City Thunders are all about value, man. And McLemore at 29 is like, a total buffet steal, man. Remember when Perry Jones was a lotto pick and all that? Thunders take him and laugh all the way to championships and stuff. They are San Antonio light. Scooping up value all along the way. Thunder are the best drafting team in the NBA. They were smart to take Durant, then Westbrook and Harden. That big 3 won’t be beat except for Durant/Perry Jones/McLemore Big 3.
30. Phoenix Suns – Eric Gordon’s Retirement Home, House, Phoenix
The love affair continues. Eric Gordon loves Phoenix. Phoenix loves Eric Gordon. He’s their cornerstone, man. So they gotta buy him dat house. Now Eric is happy. Maybe he’ll even smile. Naw, Eric Gordon don’t smile. Dude takes his life, his knees and his basketball seriously. Ok, at least his life and his knees. Dude can’t wait to get that house Phoenix promised to take at 30 overall when they drafted him earlier, y’all.