- Cleveland Cavaliers – Nerlens Noel, C, Kentucky
Let’s be real, Cleveland is looking to get into the Big 3 game, and what better way to lure the King back to C-town than a 7-foot, flat-top-faded, shot-blocking guru to be numero tres? Kyrie-LeBron-Nerlens rolls off the tongue and should finally bring basketball glory to Cleveland.
- Orlando Magic – Joffrey Baratheon, K, House Baratheon
Holy curveball! The Magic are in a deep rebuild and while they are devastated to not land the no. 1 pick, my sources have confirmed wee Joffrey was their target all along. The Magic are desperately in need of leadership and the days of Jameer Nelson running the show are likely a thing of the past. Enter Joffrey. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in tenacity and perversion. He’s known to have a killer instinct, and perhaps most importantly, he’s a man of the people and should be an instant star in a city much in need of one. This pick makes Aaron Afflalo instantly better just by putting Joffrey on the court.
- Washington Wizards – Lincoln, POTUS, Twentieth Century Fox Films
The Wizards are in need of re-constitution (boom, roasted!). Who better to rebuild a divided team than the original himself, Daniel Day Lewis. He’s thrilled audiences as Bill the Butcher and Daniel Plainview. We saw his softer side as Christy Brown and Jack Slavin. But in Lincoln, his Magnum opus, we get the complete picture – tough and sensitive, maniacal and brilliant, angry and loving, and most of all presidential. What does Washington need? Presidency. I’m putting 2 and 2 together here. Daniel Day Wizard.
- Charlotte Bobcats – TRADE!!!! – Chicago Bulls – Michael Jordan, SF, Chicago Bulls
Much like the image above, Jordan’s tenure in Charlotte has been spent faking out opponents into actually believing he has any clue how to run a team. You can only draft so many Adam Morrisons and Gerald Hendersons before we spot thy troll, MJ! Now he’s orchestrated the grand move of them all, trading himself back to Chicago for a package including Chicago’s 20th overall, as well as Nazr Mohammed and Nate Robinson. Jordan will immediately split minutes with Rip Hamilton and also head up the “Department of Player Personnel on Analytics in the mid-2nd quarter when the Third Rotation is On the Bench.” Exciting things in Chicago!
- Phoenix Suns – Eric Gordon, SG, New Orleans Pelicans
New Orleans fans are still waiting for Eric Gordon to remotely anything like that. Instead, they’ve had to deal with him oscillating between some state of discontent and “working my way back” from a mysterious “knee ailment” which requires then doesn’t require then requires surgery again. Eric Gordon’s knee is the your momma’s so fat joke of NBA injuries. I don’t know what that means, but Dell Demps and Monty are sick of the antics. Thus they return him to his dream city, for absolutely free. The Pelicans are literally giving him to Phoenix for nothing. Not a cent, not a player, not a pick, nothing. They just want him gone.
- New Orleans Pelicans – Chris Paul, PG, Los Angeles Clippers
The Pels need some punch. Some nut-punch. Anthony Davis is promising and Eric Gordon is finally moving on to his future (next year) retirement home in Phoenix, so the new-birds need a superstar that can score and make everyone better. What better romance than the one, the only CP3 returns to New Orleans to bring the trophy back (and maybe eventually the name “Jazz”) back? What’s that you say, Chris Paul isn’t draft eligible? He’s a free agent? Tell that to Eric Gordon, who found a way to go from New Orleans to Phoenix, (in his words, “an upward cultural move,”) at the cost of nothing just one pick earlier!
- Sacramento Kings – Seattle, City, Seattle
Damn, look at that needle. Look at that traffic flying through street lights like the new, up-tempo offense imported from Golden State with new head coach Mike Malone (I made that up and have no idea what type of offense Mike Malone runs, but I bet it features a heavy dosage of the Mailman. Cross basketball reference! Bingo!). So the Kings have a coach, the Kings have a star, now they need a city! Boom, even David Stern’s angered smirk isn’t enough to dampen the excitement for a Seattle fanbase that will stop attending games in five years.
- Detroit Pistons – Rasheed Wallace, Head Coach, Philadelphia, PA
The Pistons need a coach. Wallace needs a post playing career, career. Bingo, bango, bongo, and this makes a lot of sense. Sources tell me that the Mo Cheeks talk is all smoke screens while Joey D. (he and I are tight like that) works out the contract details with ‘Sheed. ‘Sheed reportedly won’t budge on his $1,000 per technical bonus.
- Minnesota Timberwolves – The Last Four Years Back, Time, Years
Mick Jagger famously sang, “Tiiiiiiiimmmmmeeeee is on my side… yes it is.” But for the residents of Minneapolis, the last four years have felt anything but in their corner. Sure, there’s Kevin Love. Sure, there’s the on-again, off-again Rubio-nation, but what of it? When making stupid moves gets tagged with a nickname after your lead executive (Kahn’d!) you know you’ve had a rough go of it.
- Portland Trail Blazers – Exciting Young Player!, Any Position, Anywhere
Unfortunately for Portland, the countdown to Dame Lillard’s destruction is on, because literally nothing every good happens to the Blazers. Sam Bowie. Brandon Roy. Shawn Kemp. The Jail Blazers. Greg Oden. This list could go for about 7,000,245 pages and only be a quarter of the way down. Portland, Land of Basketball Cursed. Hoping to correct that trend Portland has selected [insert exciting player’s name here!] who possesses [insert exciting traits here!] that could take them to the next level. Look out, NBA! Portland is a young team on the rise!
- Philadelphia 76ers – Glue, Adhesive, Trees (amongst other sources)
There’s a crack in Philadelphia. It’s growing, slowly, and you can see slowly tearing this team further and further apart. Case in point: 2012 Win total: 35. 2013 Win total: 34! You see that. A crack. It’s widening. It’s becoming dangerous. It’s time they fixed it. That bell can’t ring with that crack and it’s clearly causing chemistry problems in Philly. With this pick, the Sixers secure the future and possibly preserve the present.
- Oklahoma City Thunder – Patrick Beverly Voodoo Doll, Folk Magic, Haiti
Fact: The Oklahoma City Thunder would have made the Finals with Russell Westbrook. Fact: Patrick Beverly maliciously hurt Russell Westbrook. Fact: Everyone in Oklahoma City hates Patrick Beverly. Best way to overturn a curse? Voodoo the bananas outta it. Look out Patrick Beverly, you may wake up in the preseason without a left meniscus!
- Dallas Mavericks – The Rights to 20-year-old Dirk Nowitzki, PF, Würzburg, West Germany
I know what you are thinking, “It’s physically impossible for Dirk to get 14 years younger!” You would be right… sort of. My sources have confirmed that Mark Cuban reached a deal with a Shark Tank contestant (yet to be aired!) that has developed a technology (patent pending) that can clone human beings and return them to whichever age the cloner prefers. Cuban apparently is already in the testing phases and my lock-tight source says he’s infatuated with the idea of having 20-year-old Dirk all over again. Only this time he won’t sign Erick Dampier.
- Utah Jazz – Sneaky Player with Length, Any Position, Anywhere
At least one guy is excited, amirite? The Utah Jazz have once against selected that rare combination of “sneakiness” and “NBA height.” This addition really shores up a lot of areas for the Jazz, namely the need for yet another big, long dude to run around and dribble and shoot and pass and defend and stuff. Sneaky. Long.
- Milwaukee Bucks – Kate Upton, Superfan, St. Joseph, Michigan
Look, Milwaukee needs some sizzle, some sex appeal. Milwaukee is a great town, with great people. They even have a decent basketball team in a decidedly baseball city. But they can’t seem to get over the, erm, hump. Enter Kate Upton. She brings all the sex appeal. She likes basketball, enough. And besides Monta Ellis passing a little more, the only thing the Bucks really need in this draft is a super fan. Kate. Upton.
Stay Tuned for Picks 16-30!