Ballerball’s 2013-14 NBA Awards

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The 2013-14 NBA season, like all seasons of any sport or medium, flooded us with moments. It brought us the Pelicans becoming a thing, Jason Kidd spilling drinks, J.R. Smith undoing shoe laces, Kevin Garnett freeing his head of brain cells during pregame warm-ups, an All-Star Game housed in an arena known as the Smoothie King Center, firings, Mike Brown rehirings, internationally located games canceled due to electrical short circuiting, Brian Roberts leading the league in free-throw percentage, Kyle Korver shattering Dana Barros’ record for consecutive games with a 3-pointer, the Raptors carrying Drake on their backs into the postseason for the first time since 2008, David Stern retiring, Adam Silver-Nitrate taking over and TAKING OVER WELL, Russell Westbrook embodying a freight train, Phil Jackson bringing his Zen back to the league, the Spurs winning 18 straight, the Celtics and Lakers competing for most tanktastic, Carmelo Anthony tallying 62 points in front of Madison Square Garden LIKE A BOSS, Timofey freaking Mosgov snatching 29 rebounds in a game, Michael Carter-Williams putting the league on spin cycle for the first two weeks of the season, Kevin Durant flexing his tree branches, Joakim Noah bellowing to the heavens, Phoenix learning how to train their Dragić, Poppovich Poppovich-ing, James Harden’s beard maintaining its form, Donald Sterling leaving bigoted voicemails, the Pacers surging then collapsing then pretending to surge but in reality were collapsing more, Portland becoming significant, San Antonio defeating Miami in the redemption narrative of all redemption narratives, and so much more. Here are your 2013-14 NBA awards.

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Most Honest Relay of Feelings to a Sacramento Officiating Crew: Joakim F****** Noah

Few players in recent memory have been 6-foot-11, had great handles, won Defensive Player of the Year, and rocked a unisex sock bun. Even fewer have told referees Eli Roe, Rodney Mott, and David Guthrie to get bent.

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Quickest Physical Retort to Getting Posterized: Jared Sullinger

Difficult to pinpoint what’s more impressive: Paul Millsap going at Jared Sullinger like a lion does a gazelle or Sullinger pretending nothing happened and sprinting down court for an almost assured miss.

 

 

Best Marcin Gortat Impression: Marcin Gortat

My father always told me, “Never test Tim Duncan on the low-block.” Marcin Gortat never met my father.

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Best New York Knicks Impression: Andrea Bargnani

There were too many Andrea Bargnani GIFs to choose from, this one will have to suffice.

 

Least Faking Pump-Fake: Kris Humphries

Kris Humphries, fresh off a jump-ball call that didn’t involve him, nearly shot at his own basket. “He was disoriented…or something,” said head coach Brad Stevens.

 

Love Potion of the Year Award: Shawne Williams

Nick “Swaggy P” Young is not enthused. Shawne Williams might be able to entice others in vast future-scapes, but currently, he’s got some improvement to make.

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Best Pinky Finger Attempt: Tiago Splitter

TIAGOOOOOOOOOOO

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Best Attempt at Historic Call by Broadcasting Team: Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier

The Washington Wizards TV crew got a tad too excited when Trevor Ariza hoisted a desperation 3-ball in the waning seconds of a regular season game. Although it didn’t go in, the tens of listeners on the radio and TV casts in the area were awfully confused.

 

 

Good Sport of the Year Award: Chris Bosh at Shane Battier’s Charity

Chris Bosh singing “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones took significantly more courage than Michael Beasley agreeing to rap the final verse of “Back That Azz Up” with LeBron James hours later. Keep singing, Chris, we love it.

 

 

Stealthiest Attempt at Killing Referee: Corey Brewer

The walking contradiction known colloquially as Corey Brewer—with no reputation left to injure—took it upon himself to hurt a referee this year. He couldn’t do that, either.

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Ghost Whisperer Award: Derrick Williams

Sometimes you feel the need to take it upon yourself to transcend everyone’s expectations of what you are and what you could be. Sometimes being Derrick Williams outweighs that feeling and you produce GIFs that will last in the annals of Sacramento lore.

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The ‘Craving Mama’s Cookin’ Award: JaVale McGee

In the year 2040, a cyber analyst will be combing through basketball history—a time where the ball was made of leather and the court of wood instead of LED lights and a battleground fit for Tron’s light cycle duels—and they will find Javale McGee. And they won’t know what to do with him.

 

Slipperiest Skin of the Year Award (Presented by Dove for Men): Dwayne Wade

It’s no secret that D-Wade has the best skin in the game, bar none. In a game earlier this season, though, it became a deterrent to shooting percentage. That, or his eroding body misses layups on occasion.

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Quickest Transition From the Worm to a Pushup Award: Enes Kanter

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that Enes Kanter could achieve the worm. Never in my worst nightmares have I ever seen someone bail as quickly as he does; the guy travels two feet at best, it’s breathtaking.

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Spaghetti Hair of the Year Award: Jordan Hill

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Dropper of That Thun Thun Thun Award: Lance Stephenson

Lance Stephenson, the ‘Born Ready’ Firecracker, Egregious Flopper, and P.T. Barnum aficionado, is a highlight train. SO IF YOU’RE LIGHT OF HEART, DON’T STAND ON THE TRACKS WHEN THE TRAIN’S COMING THROUGH.

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State Farm Assist Award: DeMarcus Cousins

DeMarcus Cousins would rather tear off Jason Thompson’s skull than give him that rebound. The rest, they say, is history.

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The Trillest of Them All: Damian Lillard

Damian Lillard sent the Portland Trail Blazers to the second round of the NBA Playoffs with this buzzer-beater. It was magical.

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Most in Need of Help Award: Paul Pierce’s On-Ball Defense

Fans claim they heard Paul Pierce murmuring, “I’m melting” as he crashed to the floor.

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Battle For LA Award: Los Angeles Clippers

Los Angeles may historically be Laker town, but the Clippers punished them more this season than Kobe Bryant’s two-year contract extension will in the coming seasons.

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Don’t Hurt ‘Em Award: Andre Iguodala

I mean, damn.

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Just Bail Defensively Award: Greg Oden

Greg Oden only got so many minutes in 2013-14. He made sure to use them wisely.

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The More Suited for a Shuffleboard Tournament Than the NBA Award: Hedo Türkoğlu

There was once a time when Hedo Türkoğlu contributed. There was once a time when Türkoğlu won the NBA’s Most Improved Player Award. There was once a time when nobody had more fun on the court than Türkoğlu. Now is not that time.

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