Monta Ellis: Snobby Bartender

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Shawn Marion and Monta Ellis were bartenders last night at an On the Border in Addison, TX.   Below are three separate accounts from last night’s fun-filled party.

  

 ___

Scene 1

monta and shawn

[Huge crowds fill the room.  Loud Tejano music blasts over the loud speaker.  Everyone seems to be very happy]

Monta (to himself): Fools

Shawn: Are ya’ll ready to have some fun?!

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHH!!!!

Shawn: That’s…

Crowd: WHAT’S UP!

[Laughter ensues]

[Monta carefully picks at a mint sprig as a customer named Jake approaches]

Jake: Hey bro!

[Monta looks in his direction.]

Jake: I ordered a Corona!   This ain’t that.

Monta: You’re welcome.

Jake: Bro… I want a Corona.  I don’t even know what the hell this thing is.

[Monta rolls his eyes.]

Monta: Yo. First of, that thing is called a  Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout.  It’s bourbon barrel aged in Woodford Reserve from Munster, Indiana.

Jake: Bro.  Get me my Corona!

Monta:  This isn’t high school, man.

Jake:  It’s an On the Border!

Monta: Did you even try it?  There’s no head what-so-ever.  Taste the aroma and that smooth texture and…

Jake: I don’t care, bro!

(Jake walks away without the drink.)

Monta: Coward.

 __

Scene Two

marion

[A customer named Laci approaches the bar]

Laci: Oh my god, Shawn Marion!

Shawn: Hey!  What can I get you?

Laci: Oh my god.  I just love you so much.  Sorry, I just had to say that.

Shawn: I appreciate it.

Laci: Ok, can I get a Sangria Swirl.

Shawn: Of cou—

Monta: ABSOLUTELY not.

[Monta stands five feet behind Shawn, cracking Korean Pine nuts.]

Shawn: Hey, Monta! How are things?

[Monta grabs a drink next to him and sets it in front of the woman]

Monta: Here.

[Laci looks puzzled]

Monta: Drink it.

[Laci tries drink and spits it out]

Laci: Is this just a shot of something?

Monta:  *sighs* …. It’s Mezcal.

Laci: That’s it?

Monta: Yup.

Laci: OH MY GOD.  IS THAT A WORM?!

Shawn: Dude.  Why is there a worm in this woman’s drink.

Monta: It’s not a worm.  It’s the larvae of a moth.

[Laci runs outside to throw up.]

Shawn: That’s messed up, man.

Scene Three

Monta Bartender

Manager: Hey Monta, can I talk to you for a minute?

Monta: I’m busy.

[Monta is reading The Economist]

Manager: It’ll only take a second.

[Monta rolls his eyes and shuts his book]

Manager: Look, we’re getting complaints from customers.

Monta: And?

Manager: Well, if it was only about the drinks that would be one thing but you’re deterring people away from our food too.

Monta: What do you mean?

[A customer named Nikki approaches]

Nikki: Can I get some chips and queso please?!

Monta: Don’t waste your time.  It’s just Velveeta lazily slopped in a bowl.

Manager: See, that’s what I’m talking about, Monta.

Nikki: We know.  We love the queso here!  Also, we’re HUGE fans!

Monta: What?  Yo, meet me in the alley in 30 minutes and I’ll show you real queso made from goat cheese and paprika.

Manager: Ok, Monta.

Nikki: Um..

Manager: Sorry miss.  I’ll get your queso in a minute.

[Customer named Barry approaches]

Manager:  I just can’t have you do that, Monta.  We’re trying to make money here.  Hold on.

Barry: Hi.  I tried to order a 16oz Bud Light and it came in this.

Manager: Monta?  What the hell kind of cup is this?

[Monta rolls his eyes]

Manager: MONTA.

Monta: Maaan.  It’s a thistle glass.  You want less foam you drink from that thing right there.

Manager: I don’t care.  You serve the customer a commemorative On The Border Mavs cup, ok?!

Monta: The plastic is terrible for the…

Manager: I DON’T CARE.

Monta: THAT’S THE REAL PROBLEM RIGHT THERE!  NOBODY HERE CARES.  NOBODY APPRECIATES THE….

Manager: That’s it, you’re done.

Monta: Bout time.

Manager: Yeah, take care buddy.

[Monta takes off apron, throws it at the manager and exits.]

END

Shouts to @FBJ0 for his help with this.

Intelligence insulting disclaimer: This is fiction.  Please don’t take it seriously.

1 Comment

  • Reply March 14, 2014

    Dr Clarkus

    Excellent sir. Well done.

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