Shawn Marion and Monta Ellis were bartenders last night at an On the Border in Addison, TX. Below are three separate accounts from last night’s fun-filled party.
[Huge crowds fill the room. Loud Tejano music blasts over the loud speaker. Everyone seems to be very happy]
Monta (to himself): Fools
Shawn: Are ya’ll ready to have some fun?!
Crowd: WHAT’S UP!
[Monta carefully picks at a mint sprig as a customer named Jake approaches]
Jake: Hey bro!
[Monta looks in his direction.]
Jake: I ordered a Corona! This ain’t that.
Monta: You’re welcome.
Jake: Bro… I want a Corona. I don’t even know what the hell this thing is.
[Monta rolls his eyes.]
Monta: Yo. First of, that thing is called a Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout. It’s bourbon barrel aged in Woodford Reserve from Munster, Indiana.
Jake: Bro. Get me my Corona!
Monta: This isn’t high school, man.
Jake: It’s an On the Border!
Monta: Did you even try it? There’s no head what-so-ever. Taste the aroma and that smooth texture and…
Jake: I don’t care, bro!
(Jake walks away without the drink.)
[A customer named Laci approaches the bar]
Laci: Oh my god, Shawn Marion!
Shawn: Hey! What can I get you?
Laci: Oh my god. I just love you so much. Sorry, I just had to say that.
Shawn: I appreciate it.
Laci: Ok, can I get a Sangria Swirl.
Shawn: Of cou—
Monta: ABSOLUTELY not.
[Monta stands five feet behind Shawn, cracking Korean Pine nuts.]
Shawn: Hey, Monta! How are things?
[Monta grabs a drink next to him and sets it in front of the woman]
[Laci looks puzzled]
Monta: Drink it.
[Laci tries drink and spits it out]
Laci: Is this just a shot of something?
Monta: *sighs* …. It’s Mezcal.
Laci: That’s it?
Laci: OH MY GOD. IS THAT A WORM?!
Shawn: Dude. Why is there a worm in this woman’s drink.
Monta: It’s not a worm. It’s the larvae of a moth.
[Laci runs outside to throw up.]
Shawn: That’s messed up, man.
Manager: Hey Monta, can I talk to you for a minute?
Monta: I’m busy.
[Monta is reading The Economist]
Manager: It’ll only take a second.
[Monta rolls his eyes and shuts his book]
Manager: Look, we’re getting complaints from customers.
Manager: Well, if it was only about the drinks that would be one thing but you’re deterring people away from our food too.
Monta: What do you mean?
[A customer named Nikki approaches]
Nikki: Can I get some chips and queso please?!
Monta: Don’t waste your time. It’s just Velveeta lazily slopped in a bowl.
Manager: See, that’s what I’m talking about, Monta.
Nikki: We know. We love the queso here! Also, we’re HUGE fans!
Monta: What? Yo, meet me in the alley in 30 minutes and I’ll show you real queso made from goat cheese and paprika.
Manager: Ok, Monta.
Manager: Sorry miss. I’ll get your queso in a minute.
[Customer named Barry approaches]
Manager: I just can’t have you do that, Monta. We’re trying to make money here. Hold on.
Barry: Hi. I tried to order a 16oz Bud Light and it came in this.
Manager: Monta? What the hell kind of cup is this?
[Monta rolls his eyes]
Monta: Maaan. It’s a thistle glass. You want less foam you drink from that thing right there.
Manager: I don’t care. You serve the customer a commemorative On The Border Mavs cup, ok?!
Monta: The plastic is terrible for the…
Manager: I DON’T CARE.
Monta: THAT’S THE REAL PROBLEM RIGHT THERE! NOBODY HERE CARES. NOBODY APPRECIATES THE….
Manager: That’s it, you’re done.
Monta: Bout time.
Manager: Yeah, take care buddy.
[Monta takes off apron, throws it at the manager and exits.]
Shouts to @FBJ0 for his help with this.
Intelligence insulting disclaimer: This is fiction. Please don’t take it seriously.