Matt Bonner’s Response Letter To LeBron’s Block

matt_bonner_spurs_missing_hero

 

This is for real. True serious truth. Like Raekwon’s lyrics or the message in Hook being about how red mohawks are super cool. And, like a lot of truth out there, this is going to be pooped on by the masses.

I don’t think LeBron’s block was that great.

Yea. That’s right. The Rouge Rocket aka Rose Dice Tumbler aka Matty Sizzles aka The Great Pink Dove aka Your Bloodiest Valentine is officially CALLING ALL THOSE ON LEBRON’S JUNK OUT. It’s real in the streets so why should it be any less so in the back alleys of the cyber webs, nahmean? I been having to listen to everyone and their dog for an entire day talk about the block and gush over the block and love on it and buy it presents and whisper sweet more than nothing’s into its ear. Well, I’m reality, and I’m here to slap you in all your fat, praise heavy faces.

First, Tiago is super nice, like, real nice, and was just trying to make a play. He can’t palm the ball, so he was really being a real team player even trying the dunk in the first place. Oh, let’s all poop on the guy for trying to go above and beyond. Real great, America.

Yes, Tiago got a running start and LeBron was standing still. Whatever. He can’t even run that fast! DeJuan beats him in end of practice sprints every day! So, you know, definitely consider that when pooping on him, you PoopHeads (TM).

I don’t know. I just don’t get it. What is even the big deal with anyone blocking Tiago? I’ve blocked Tiago. Me. Matt Bonner. The Red Rocket that stays in the atmosphere, not above it. If I can block him with some regularity, don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, we should hold the figurative phone when declaring this block legendary? Sure, it was basically the cleanest block ever at the rim and it was pretty much the closest thing basketball will ever get to a high noon gunslinger draw that ends the way that one ended in Open Range and yes, Tiago is probably the hired hand that killed Mose who Kevin Kostner then shot in the forehead, but this analogy is stupid so I don’t even know why you’re bothering reading it.

I’m saying, Tiago can’t even work the televisions in the hotel rooms on the road. He’s always turning it off by accident and having to start back over at the menu channel. Should we really fall all over ourselves about this bright bulb, and that was sarcasm, getting blocked? I’m losing my mind. Something’s happening.

Look, I get it. Again, LeBron’s at a standstill and Tiago’s not. That makes it, essentially, a real life version of what happens when someone used to get fouled in SlamBall, BUT IT WASN’T LIKE THIS WAS SOME HALL OF FAMER OR TIMMY OR SOMEONE. IT WAS TIAGO SPLITTER. A DUDE WHO AFTER SEVERAL YEARS STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE JOKES I TELL.

And yes, I know it’s Splinter, not Splitter, but that’s still a very get-able lateral joke that WORKS if you have some acceptance in your heart and aren’t a super, big PoopHead (TM) jerk, PATTY MILLS.

Sorry. I’m getting off track. I can’t trust my mind anymore. I just think all y’all should lay off and pull into the chill station and just, you know, chill. Tiago, I defend your honor. LeBron, next game, meet me at the rim. I’ll be the one putting you in it.

Quck shout out to my sponsors: New Balance, Land’s End, Now That’s What I Call Music, dreamcatchers, and Skittles Riddles.

Preciate the Ballerball guys letting me use this forum to express my opinions. Sorry if things got cloudy. I need to sleep and haven’t had a sandwich all day.

 

Happiness,

Matt

*This wasn’t Matt.

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