Mario Chalmers Does Not Have a Girlfriend

mario chalmers 2

mario chalmers 2

Recent incidences involving former Notre Dame All-American linebacker and Heisman Finalist Manti Te’o have forced Mario Chalmers, starting point guard but we really don’t have positions for the Miami Heat, to come clean with teammates and confess he does not, in fact, have a girlfriend named Sherane.

While it is still unknown whether or not Te’o had knowledge that his “girlfriend” was fake, Chalmers thought it best to just chill out with all the lies before someone found out.

“He decided to just come out and admit that his ‘girlfriend’ wasn’t real,” a source close to the team said Wednesday evening.

Chalmers, after receiving flack from many teammates about his inability to successfully get a girl at several South Beach hotspots despite the fact that he is a rich and famous basketball player, decided to take matters into his own hands and fabricate a girlfriend for himself.

“He realized that ‘Yea, I know LeBron (James)’ was wearing thin as a pickup line as the females were no longer biting on that,” a source close to Chalmers said, “That’s when he began to talk about this Sherane girl.”

Chalmers had described her to teammates as “‘Bout 5’6″ thick girl and ready.” Reports from inside the organization say that Norris Cole was quote, “down”, to meet Sherane, but that never materialized as she is not at all real in any way, shape, or form.

Those close to Chalmers had already begun to get suspicious as the picture on her Twitter page, “just looked like a grainy far off picture of Lark Voorhies”.

Prior to its deactivation by Chalmers, Sherane’s Twitter profile said: The realist girl you’ll ever meet. Heat fan. Nikki Minaj. Pedicures. God.

“He said he wanted to let us know straight up she wasn’t real cuz that Te’o stuff had him scared,” said Chris Bosh, a dinosaur teammate of Chalmers, “Guess he just listened to Kendrick Lamar’s latest album and that’s where he got that name from.” Bosh then shook his head and went back to giving himself a no polish manicure.

Chalmers could not be reached for comment. A phone call was not returned by his father. LeBron James, starting transformer for the Miami Heat, when asked his thoughts on Chalmers’ actions said, quote, “Who?”, unquote. When asked to comment, the Heat’s team president, Pat Riley, could not stop laughing long enough to form a sentence. He then said, “Gucci” and hung up.

The Heat and Chalmers are in action next against the Toronto Raptors on Wednesday of this week.


  • Reply January 21, 2013


    Dinosaur! hahaha. Glad Jason and I are not the only ones that think that!

  • Reply June 26, 2013


    Omg. I want him please

Leave a Reply