After reading this headline at ESPN.com that states “LeBron Has ‘Some ideas’ For New Commish” our research dept. started to do some digging. Luckily, they came through and stole a piece of scratch paper from LeBron’s locker that had all these ideas written on it. Check it out.
IDEAS FOR COMMISSIONER SILVER
- Shorter NBA Schedule: Look man. I know ya’ll are makin’ lots of cash/money on all this basketball but all our best players keep getting injured and our old players are running out of gas. Most importantly, when am I supposed to find time to film my Samsung commercials with all these games? Think about it.
- Half Court Shots Are Five Pointers: So this is fairly straight forward. Have you ever seen a game where a team was down by five points and you were like, “Man, I wish that team could catch up with one shot.”? Sounds crazy, right? WRONG. Add a five pointer and you’ll fix that problem + add a level of excitement that could take this league to another level. After a few years of five pointers, maybe push free throws back to the three point line. I’m always thinking of new innovative ideas. Like Samsung.
- Layup Contests at the ASG – I’m not the first one to think of this, but layups are like trick shots in billiards. You can use angles and diameters and stuff. Also, probably circumference. It’ll be fun and it’s a way to educate fans. Parents would love it. I know… because I’m a parent. Did you know that I’m a parent? You should check out my Samsung commercial. Anyways, with layup contests there will be no more of this judging based of opinions and props. The tougher the angle, the higher the score. Plus, Steve Nash could participate and Steve Nash is my BOY.
- An Underwater Expansion Team: Hold up before you judge. Think about it. We have a team who’s home-court is in a tank under water. First off, I’d be crazy ass home court advantage due to water pressure and the sharks and stuff. Plus, the cheerleaders could be mermaids.
- Cheerleaders As Mermaids: If we don’t do the underwater team, we should at least keep this idea.
- FREE Nicknamed Sleeve Jersey COOZY Nights: You know how everyone loves those sleeved jerseys and how everyone loves those nickname jerseys. COMBINE THE TWO AND PUT THAT ON A COOZY (sponsored by Samsung). You could sell out the Bradley Center with that idea, man.
- Put A Game Clock INSIDE The Basketball: That way when I’m pump fakin’, I can see how much time I got left before I need to shoot. Can’t tell you how many guys text me and say, “Man, if only there was a clock INSIDE the basektball.” I can talk to my people at Samsung and they can probably get you a prototype by the end of this week. I do commercials for them. Did you know that?
- An NBA Version of FRIENDS: Remember that show? It follows six friends in New York City as they embark on numerous sexual endeavors. What if we like reunited them for a whole season’s worth of shows but had NBA players be their lovers!? . Maybe I could guest star as one of Jennifer Aniston’s love interests who cheats on her with Monica. Oh man.. and then Joey could be all “How you doin’?” Think about it.
- Space Jam Remake: Only this time, Mickey Mouse was kidnapped by the aliens at Moron Mountain. Bugs saves Mickey and in return, Mickey gives Looney Tunes characters Winnie the Pooh as a sign of respect. When Pooh disappears, Bugs thinks Mickey stole him (in reality it was Christopher Robin’s punk ass). A huge civil war breaks out… just as Moron Mountain planned it because…. Christopher Robins is an alien.. THINK ABOUT IT. Then Tweety Bird and Rifiki kidnap me from the real world. Only they snag me as I reach for a bowling ball out of that dispenser thing. I get down there and I’m all WTF. Everything is in ruins. Me and Bill Murray finally learn the truth and tell Bugs and Mickey. But by the time this happens, a big trap lands over everyone. I spring the trap and challenge the aliens to the basketball game. THINK ABOUT IT. If they win, they keep the toons but if I win, they gotta come to earth to help me make more Samsung commercials. I get a starting lineup of Me, Bugs, Hot-girl version of Bugs, Mickey and Gaston (dude is huge). We take em’ out and everyone is happy again. Millions.