From the oak desk of Larry Bird:
I think it’s important to shed light on the many tragedies going on in our world today. There’s mass amounts of hunger, death, war, and poorly done films, the last of which is what I’ll be focusing on at present time. See, it is my intention to announce that I will be leaving my post as Team President of the Indiana Pacers so that I can better focus all of my energies on my true passion: acting.
The thing is, I watched Space Jam the other day, and it was just really really good. And, more to the point, I was really really good in it. I went toe to toe with Bill Murray in the majority of my scenes in the film and, frankly, I think I really took it to a level he wasn’t ready to go to. See, this guy is king of the art house right now, you know? He’s the crowned granddaddy prince of twee. Those sad eyes of his are probably going garner at least one more Oscar nom before he dies, so it feels pretty doggone stupid for me to not pull the trigger when I’m at the age where a lot of thoughtful roles can come my way.
I’m open to any and all directors, but Malick is the one I’d most like to work with. I feel like I have the voice for airy, ethereal, God-like monologues. I did some regional radio ad work in Southern Indiana briefly in the mid 90’s for my buddy Lendo’s air conditioning repair business and I feel like that’s pretty much the exact same thing.
And I don’t want this to be an all out attack on the blockbuster because that’s not my goal. Truly. There’s a place for it. Home Alone was fantastic. And, honestly, if Snyder’s listening, and you haven’t officially inked Affleck to the Batman role, give me a shout. I’d love to take a look at the script, see if it’s something I might be interested in.
I take pride in the team I’ve created in Indiana and I will not forget them soon. They are my children and I wish them all the success in the world. Now, though, now it is time for me to begin a new phase in my career. I look forward to conquering whatever challenges that come my way.
If you’re a director, producer, writer, casting agent, or studio head (Holler at me, Harvey), please consider this the official unveiling of my desire to work for you. I have truth buried within me I can bring to the screen. I don’t have a reel yet, but I’m sure the YouTube video below will more than suffice.
Thank you for your time.