Large John Wall

john wall 2
john wall 2
So many pictures get taken at Christmas. Everyone asking you to hold up whatever you just removed from a wrapped up box or tissue paper stuffed sack. Asking you things like, “Oooo, what’s that?” or “What’d ya get there?”. Presents equal reactions equal pictures equal smiles equal memories.
There’s a picture of me one Christmas, cheesing out some dimples, holding a present I just opened. The present was a football. A Wilson TDY. Real top of the line give your parents an extra long thank you hug type stuff.
I was twelve and I was setting the Oklahoma skies ablaze as quarterback for my middle school’s 7th grade football team, which is just another way of saying I was really good at handing the ball off to three really good running backs.
In the picture I am wearing a University of Oklahoma Football T-Shirt I just got for Christmas.
Below is a breakdown of the shirt.
Color: Grey
Letter color: Crimson
Front text: Hey Texas, Nebraska, and everyone else…
Back text: 12-0! And oh, by the way, WE’RE GOING TO MIAMI.
The shirt was made by a local Oklahoma T-shirt shop in honor of the Oklahoma Sooners making it back to the National Championship game. Shouts out to Torrence Marshall.
In the picture, I’m standing to the side. It’s a profile shot from the waist up, really. In it, I have a BELLY on me. A real nice, protruding, I Really Enjoyed BBQ Lays At The Time, gut.
At the time I ignored the fact that I was fat, because the last thing a middle schooler ever wants to do is confront their real self. I turned a couple blind eyes to it. So, I continued my daily post practice pilgrimage to the Parker pantry and stuffed my face full of Chex Mix on the regular. Only by the grace of God did I get skinny when, around my freshman year, I shot up several inches and stretched out all the would be flab.
On a nostalgic night years later, I stumbled across that picture. I was shocked. I went to my mom and asked her about it and she said that, yes, I was a little chubby. Not to worry, though, everyone. My mom assured me I was still a very handsome, sweet boy. She then told me that her and my Dad had a talk after they saw that picture. Apparently it was a come to Jesus our son ain’t exactly a rail moment for them. They talked about how to handle me and my growing gourd. Come to find out, mom cooked a little healthier from then on out and they regulated what I ate more. I was just much to stupid to realize.



John Wall doesn’t need to be stupid like that idiot from Oklahoma. He needs to be smart. He needs to get some conditioning in and work on the diet a little bit, because look up there. His body is becoming a harbinger of some tubbies.
Please trust when I tell you that I say all of this as a friend. I shared this video ( with so many of my friends before he had even signed his LOI. His freshman year at the University of Calipari was appointment viewing for me. I’m a fan.
I beg of you, JW, don’t fall into the trap. You’re not going to get out of it the way I did, because I’m fairly certain that once you hit adulthood you stop growing. Rita isn’t going to help you grow by throwing down some magical spear to help you defeat the Power Rangers because the Puddies couldn’t do their job. You eat and don’t move, you put on weight. That’s the way of the world. And yes, I hate it too.
Just please, Greatest Wall, stop it now. Stop eating and start running and don’t look back because the badness is back there and the goodness is out ahead of you, calling to you like an oasis in the win shortage desert of Washington D.C.
So come, John. Come sip at the spring that is an active healthy lifestyle. Because, you know, you’re a professional athlete and it’s your job and you need to be a finely tuned machine at all times and push yourself to great…
-Is handed pictures-
Wait….what? What do you mean? No. I saw the picture. He’s fat. What do you mean there are more that refute that? What do you mean it was just the angle at which the picture was taken and he’s actually kept his body in halfway decent shape despite the injuries he’s sustained. Man. Come on. I was feeling better about myself, though. I’ve put on some pounds over the years. I’m certainly not fat, but it was nice to see that it could happen to anybody. Are you sure?JohnWallok
Long sigh. Well…but…I guess good for you, John. I just wanted to believe that it could even happen to a professional athlete whose body is their tool for making millions. Wanted to believe that even an athlete could let themselves go like the rest of us. It’s fine. I guess it’s just a battle the common man with a slowing metabolism has to fight and pro athletes will never understand…
Wait…what?! Really? There’s an athlete who knows our struggle? Where? I don’t care if he’s not in the league anymore. Show me.
Whew. Thank God. Preciate that, Oliver Miller. Thanks for making us feel better, Big O. That’s nice of you. Sucks to hear about all that pistol whipping, though.

1 Comment

  • Reply January 12, 2013


    Totally appreciate this article being that I was also fat through puberty. Superfunny.

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