Lance Stephenson & Mario Chalmers Discuss Free Agency at Local ‘Egg and I’

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Yesterday I saw Lance Stephenson and Mario Chalmers conversing over a stack of flapjacks, copious amounts of sausage links, and a carafe of Coke Zero. Stephenson wore zebra print suspenders; Chalmers, a t-shirt and bowtie. Though I couldn’t make out who was saying what, here’s what I heard.

*****

 

“How much wood could a Larry Bird chuck if Larry Bird could chuck like me?”

“Good one. I chuck contested moonbeams better than anyone out there, IN HIGH VOLUME. Don’t worry; I’ve got this meal covered. Been coming here for weeks now. I’m stockpiling frequent egger cards. They’re like groupons on steroids.”

“You’re not really paying for the meal if you’re doing it with coupons. You always were a baby-faced moocher. Remember that time I had to bail you out at that Brooks and Dunn concert, though?”                                       

“OH YEAH. You were hitting on those wooly mammoth-looking cowgirls that night!”

“…”

“And then you tried to recite that monologue from Bubble Boy like it was a pick-up line!”

“…” 

“And then you resorted to plugging a half-hearted Russian accent. You said it made you sound more mature!”

“…”

“JUS PLAYIN’, Lancelot. You know how much I love to kid. I love to kid more than I love to…I don’t know! Lance in your pants, why are you being so reserved? This ain’t like you, buddy! … Did you get that last joke; you get it? Because it’s like I’m saying ANTS in your pants. It’s more of a slant-rhyme, really.”

“Can we agree that I’m worth $15 million per? That doesn’t seem steep, right?”

“Are you writing out your next contract, dude? On a napkin? You know those crayons are for kids, right? You get it, because like kids use them to col-“

“…-would you just shut up! This isn’t Macaroni Grill! I’m working here! Some of us are out here trying to put flapjacks and sausage links on the table. Do you know how hungry I get? I need a full spread everywhere I go. That’s how hungry I get!”

“…Lance of the dance, I’m getting the meal, remember? Quit forgetting that I’M PAYING FOR THIS ONE. …Did you get that last joke? It’s like, I’m saying Lord of the Dance, like that musical, but instead of saying that, I’m using your first name.”

“…” 

“Try this out for size: LeBron and Melo are probably doing there decisions at press conferences. Kevin Love will do his from Instagram. Trevor Ariza will do his from a local YMCA. I’m sick of ordinary! Let’s go innovative. How about Vine!?” 

“…”

“Lance de France? Did you hear that? I said, why don’t we-“

“-I got it, I’m just trying to finalize this PAPER.”

“You know they’ve got to sign off on those types of things, right? Because otherwise, it’s like, it’s not set in stone. It like, isn’t real at all.”

“WHAT BIRD DON’T KNOW WON’T HURT HIM.”

“…” 

“…”

 

(To server) “We’ll take the check whenever you’re ready.”

 

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