Kyle Singler’s Quest for Positive PER

Singler Fantasy

Nothing can penetrate his concentration. Nothing. His eyes fixed, memorized by the beauty sitting across the court. Gazing. Longing.

“That’s a real pretty girl,” he thinks.

He wonders if she’d notice him running his fingers through his perfectly tragic hair. [KYLE!] Though he’s sure the plan will work, his hand never quite makes it to his bright yellow locks because he has fallen … fallen under her spell. [KYLE!] He starts whisper-singing to himself…

“What do you mean? When you nod your head yes but—“

“KYLE!” screams Coach Donovan.

“Yeah, coach?”

“Get your ass in the game,” says Coach Donovan.

Kyle trots his way to the scorer’s table. This is it. Garbage time. Where destiny meets reality. Where our hero scales his personal Everest and achieves what had always seemed unachievable…

…having a positive PER.

“Kyle Singler. Forward for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Checking into the game on the next dead ball, please.”

“Yeah… we know how this works,” replies the scorekeeper.

The buzzers sounds. Just as Kyle steps foot on the court he looks up. He sees the face of his great grandfather in the rafters. [KYLE!] He hears the words, “My booooy.” His eyes begin tearing up… “Remember.” Kyle is suddenly filled with a rush of confidence and begins to nod in slow motion. [KYLE!] He kisses his fingers and points to the sky as the sounds of trumpets play in his head. Feeling himself, doesn’t even begin to describe—

“Kyle!” screams Russell Westbrook

“What’s up?”

“Guard this dude. Damn,” says Russell Westbrook.

Kyle approaches his opponent. He wonders if this poor soul realizes that history is about to be made on him tonight. [NOOO!] The idea that this person, a victim really, woke up today thinking that he would be playing a normal basketball game is depressing to Kyle and starts to weigh heavy on his heart. [KYLE NOOOO!] Come to think of it, how many people have started their day off assuming it would be just like any other, when really… tragedy is waiting at dusk. Perspective began to seep into his mind. [YOU’RE F*CKING THIS UUUUP] He’s reminded of just how short life is and if there’s anyone he’s ever wronged that might deserve an apology. One name came to mind. His name was Robert and he worked at—

“KYLE. WHAT THE HELL?!” shouts Russell Westbrook.


“That dude just blew by you. We lost the game,” says Russell Westbrook.

Kyle sighs and drops his head. But wait…

“Do I have a positive PER yet?”

Kyle takes Russell Westbrook’s middle finger as a sign that he had not completed his journey for a positive PER. Another day lost is another opportunity given by the gods, to get stronger and smarter, and to use his new-found wisdom to help guide him on… The Quest.


Next Week on Kyle Singer’s Quest: Can Kyle record a single assist this season? And how is Kyle averaging more than 10 minutes a game? All this and more next week.

(*Shouts to FBJ for keeping me updated: Kyle Singler’s PER is at -1.18)

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