Kobe Recruits: An Inside Look

kobe phone

Summer 2013:

Kobe: “Listen, Dwight, you have to stay with the Lakers man. It’s the best thing that will ever happen to your career. You can be the king of Lakerland, man. This is the top city in the world for basketball and you’ll be the top dog in it., you’ll be on the cover of every video game for the next decade. Also, I’m totally a human being, who has human feelings of all the normal kinds.”
Dwight: “Well, I definitely hear you there, Kobe. Wait, what?”
Kobe: “What?”
Dwight: “What was that last thing you said?”
Kobe: “Me? Nothing. Just that there’s nothing like being the hero in Lalaland and that I definitely never spend literally an entire day staring at myself in the mirror whispering ‘the best. The best.’ over and over again.”
Dwight: “I uh…I’ll definitely think about it, Kobe. Get back to you.”

Summer 2014:

Kobe: “Melo! My man. Come to LA. Let’s rule the world!”
Carmelo: “Well I wasn’t really thinking about L.A. but I gotta admit, the idea of you and me taking on the league is pretty enticing. Are you sure you’re willing to share the spotlight?”
Kobe: “Of course I am, man, all I want to do is win. You remind me of a young me. Or actually, kind of an older, less attractive me, who is less interesting in conversation. All you gotta do is average fewer shots than me then let me take all the last shots over three defenders basically all the time. Also, I’m never going to retire, but eventually my consciousness will merge with the game and I will become basketball.”
Melo: “Is this a prank call? Is this actually Kobe?”
Kobe: “Of course it is, man. And I’m not an android, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Melo: “Let me just…Oh, is that Lala? Gotta go man, catch you soon.”


Kobe: “Bron Bron! I need you man. Let’s rule the world together.”
LeBron: “I’m sorry man, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be either Miami or Cleveland.”
Kobe: “C’mon. Small fries. Do you watch Game of Thrones? You can be my Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons.”
LeBron: “…what?”
Kobe: “Actually, you two are a lot alike. You’re young, beautiful, kind of untutored, you spend an enormous amount of time in excruciatingly boring meetings, youre’ consistently shocked that morality turns out to be a remotely complex phenomenon. But in the end it’s you that has the crazy fire-breathing dragons. You know? That’s what we need.”
LeBron: “I really don’t know, Kobe. I’m hanging up now.”
Kobe: “Did Dwight tell you that I’m a robot, programmed to seem like a human being? Because that is definitely not true.”

Kobe sighed and unplugged himself from the wall. Time for a walk, to clear his head.


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