ESPN.com recently interviewed Kobe Bryant, the starting shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. You can read it here. It’s a supremely entertaining interview. Kobe was asked a great many questions on a great many number of topics. The interview is fascinating because Kobe thinks of himself the way Pharaohs thought of themselves. Still, there were some questions that I’d have loved to have seen him answer. Below are those questions, followed by the answers Kobe might have given. They’re not real. Not at all.
What are your opinions of the Chris Paul-Cliff Paul All State commercials?
Nerd s—. B—- a– nerd s—. I told him that, too. Last time we played I went at him. Kept calling him Cliff. I’m really funny and I like to show my great sense of humor when I’m on the floor. I love to laugh.
How did you feel about the KOBETWO?
It was the best shoe ever created, I thought. It really represented the futuristic aspect of my game. I wanted a shoe that made it seem like I wasn’t of this world, that I was an alien. It was a great metaphor in that there hadn’t been another player like me, so there needed to be a shoe that was unlike anything else in the history of footwear.
What’re you listening to on your iPod at the moment?
(Laughs and smiles and hugs me) Thank you for asking that question. I’ve been on a huge John Mayer kick recently. Really been diving into his older stuff. Trying to get into the deep cuts from his early catalogue. A lot of Room For Squares and the first Trio album he did. I really love “No Such Thing”. Still makes me think of my first year in the league.
What’s one thing people don’t know about you that you wish they did?
I don’t care what people think about me. I know that sounds all bad like ‘Kobe’s being a d— again’, but it’s true. I don’t give two flying s—- how people view me. Seriously. I give a f— what you have to say. That goes for my wife and my daughters as well. I hate you. That being said, I really would love people to know how good of a singing voice I have. I sing many songs throughout the day.
Would you ever change your name the way Metta World Peace did?
(Long pause) I’ve always felt I was more of a Dream Love Companion. Kobe never seemed to fit. When I play Call of Duty online, that’s what my screen name is. Dream Love Companion. I have the best dreams and give the best love. I wish I had more companions.
Do you ever dream?
Absolutely. I have very vivid dreams. Probably the most vivid dreams of anyone I know. In one dream I was in Apocalypse Now and I was Martin Sheen’s character going after Col. Kurtz. For a brief period of time I contemplated attempting to change my nickname to Col. Kurtz. Black Mamba was too engrained in the hearts and minds of every single person alive or dead in America and around the world, though. Still, really loved what Coppola did with that film. The cinematography was excellent. That’s another director I’d love the opportunity to work with.
Do you ever think about the past and if there is anything you would do differently?
F— the past.
What motivates you?
The chance to go down as the greatest human being to have ever walked the face earth.
React to this statement: Does butter make everything better?
I’d say so. Yes.