Kevin Durant Would Like To Entertain You Now

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Kevin Durant stands in the middle of the coliseum floor with a sword in his hand and sweat on his brow and he shouts at you and me and the gods and gives no cares. He is the commander of the Armies of Bricktown, and he will have his vengeance. In this life or the next. He has his question and he screams it because inside voices are for the hearts that have already fainted.

See, the guy wants to know one thing: Are you not entertained?

First, the controlled block. Nothing fancy. Me no likey the frills right now, Durant says. He palms it off the backboard soft enough for it to just fall to him. He stays inbounds (maybe), and corrals the ball. Then he sets lasers to fire and squares his body to the rest of the court and children start weeping and women start forgetting that they have husbands.

Second, the Atlantic to the Pacific drive from one end of the court to the other. This is a poem that lasts for 94 feet. He remixed Pioneers! O Pioneers! on this foray. He’s getting his weapons ready and he’s following well in order. We cannot tarry here, dudes. We must march, my homeys. Some unlucky Mav is about to bear the brunt of his danger. Kevin Durant, his youthful, sinewy self, all the league on him depends.

Third, the mash. Detonation. Oddjob in Goldeneye. Yoshi in Mario Kart. Using Da Bomb in NFL Blitz 2000. Unfair perfection is what I’m saying. Moment of silence for Chris Kaman right there. He died for two seconds. Durant, because he’s a real American hero and a GI Bro, must have been mad at Kaman for playing for Germany in the Olympics. That slam jam was brought to us courtesy of the red, white, and blue. If Durant stood at the fifty yard line of JerryWorld and held his arms straight up, I think he’d be able to touch the bottom of the jumbo-tron.  Does anyone call him “Arms”? Because his arms are so long, you guys. Someone should look into that. Arms.

Oh. He also had 40 this game. God was super cool to give basketball fans Kevin Durant.

6 Comments

  • […] Tyler Parker of BallerBall on KD’s coast-to-coast: “Third, the mash. Detonation. Oddjob in Goldeneye. Yoshi in Mario Kart. Using Da Bomb in NFL Blitz 2000. Unfair perfection is what I’m saying. Moment of silence for Chris Kaman right there. He died for two seconds. Durant, because he’s a real American hero and a GI Bro, must have been mad at Kaman for playing for Germany in the Olympics. That slam jam was brought to us courtesy of the red, white, and blue. If Durant stood at the fifty yard line of JerryWorld and held his arms straight up, I think he’d be able to touch the bottom of the jumbo-tron. Does anyone call him “Arms”? Because his arms are so long, you guys. Someone should look into that. Arms. Oh. He also had 40 this game. God was super cool to give basketball fans Kevin Durant.” […]

  • Reply December 28, 2012

    Heat4Lyfe

    Hey Kevin, sweet dunk shot. Maybe you should try and win a championship before you hug your momma. Geez.

    • Reply December 29, 2012

      THUNDERUP405

      so lebron bosh and wade never hugged they mommas til they won a championship WOW delonte givin them all the hugs they need #lbjMOM

  • Reply December 28, 2012

    Josh Slater

    Great bit about KD avenging America’s pride by punishing the traitorous Kaman. Really funny stuff. I’m a Heat fan as well, but do you win a championship every time you hug your mother HEAT4LYFE? What happens if you kiss her on the cheek? Do you have to win a triple crown or an underground, interrealm martial arts tournament? If so, would Kaman fight for Outworld if he couldn’t make the Earth team?

    • Reply December 30, 2012

      Heat4Lyfe

      A kiss on the cheek is worth three rings. Backpack Durant better starting winning or he’ll have to take those all back.

  • Reply January 3, 2013

    Jeremy

    The MVP is between Durant and Lebron. Would love to see a rematch of these two in this years finals

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