Jason Kidd’s School of Fine Coaching

jason kidd cover

Jason Kidd has been criticized for his unorthodox coaching method of dropping drinks on the court to buy extra time.  Due to the attention he has received from this indecent, Kidd has decided to teach a coaching class.  Below is a transcript of his first lesson.  

******

Kidd:

Welcome to Jason Kidd’s School of Fine Coaching.  I am your teacher, professor, mentor and lord, Jason Kidd.

So you all want to be coaches?  Let me meet you with a query.  What are you willing to do for your team?  Simple question, even a squire could answer it.  What sacrifices are you going to make to ensure that your subordinates have the best possible chance of claiming victory for all the kingdoms to witness?  Maybe you’ll scribble “x’s” and “o’s” on a chalkboard like some buffoon parading around the streets with a whistle around his neck.  Or will you take the stage and stare down the barrel of your audience as you put on the dramatic performance of a life time.

Let me tell you a tale, children.  I, Jason Kidd, was once on the court of battle whenst suddenly the gods hast taken away my timeouts.  I stoop on the edge of battle, hopeless and alone.  Time was no longer a friend to this man.  This suddenly I was given a revelation.  A commotion had to be made.  In the greatest coaching performance of my lifetime, I convinced those around me that I had been assaulted by my own men, causing me to drop my chalice of liquid in the most dramatic fashion.  The liquid spilled everywhere giving me some precious time.  I starred at the liquid for what seemed to be a lifetime.  Seriously, I starred at it for like 10 seconds as if there was some… thing I could do to help with this water spillage.  There was nothing but I was able to strategize with my men.  We eventually lost this battle but I won a place in dramatic coaching history.  Women wanted me and men wanted to make GIFS of me.  It was my greatest accomplishment to date.

 

Timmy:

(Raises Hand)

Kidd:

 You sir.  Do you have a question?

Timmy:

Well… I didn’t know you were British?

Kidd:

Ah… I have once again put on a performance that alters your view of me.  You see, I am actually from the United States of these Americas.  I am only speaking in a British accent.  Please, hold your applause until the end.

Timmy:

It wasn’t the accent.  It’s the t-shirt you’re wearing that says, “Britain Born.  Britain Bread.”

Kidd:

You challenge me!?  Rise young valiant and pick up your sword.  I am Jason Kidd, son of my daddy, head coach of the Nets of Brooklyn,I will not stand for this.  We shall march ten paces, turn and throw our swords at each other to duel.

Timmy:

That’s not how that works.

Kidd:

Shut up.  Ready go….

One. Two. Three. Four

(Grabs wine.)

Five. Six. You!

Jimmy:

What?

Kidd:

Seven. Hit me. Eight.

Jimmy:

What?

Kidd:

Nine.. Hit me, now.  Ten.

(Jimmy bumps Kidd.  Kidd drops his sword and glass of wine.)

Kidd:

AH.  Stop at once.  You see there.  Ah shoot.  Geez.  You see.  I’ve spilt my wine everywhere.  This is appalling.  Someone must clean this mess up as I strategize my next move.  Unless… you’d like a truce.

(Timmy is still sitting.)

Kidd:

That’s what I thought.  Ladies and Gentlemen, that is the end of our session.  I’ve greatly enjoyed myself.  Your homework is to get out of a prior engagement by dropping food.  Any food you wish.  I bid thee farewell.

Be first to comment