It’s Just Water to Them

Steph voss

Just like your parents, some people take a little while to see change coming. They still believe doing it the old way, no matter the outcome, no matter how amazing and expensive VOSS water tastes.

These guys are still drinking out of old faithful. On Malcolm Gladwell’s levels of losers that blink or something, these guys are the late-adopters whose tipping point has yet to arrive. Don’t hate them, hate the drank.

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Coach: Derek Fisher
Sure, Derek is supposed to be “down with the kids” because he just retired. But he’s still taking orders from a guy upstairs who still fondly recalls the Summer of Love. He’s the unintentional NBA representative of normcore and is downing Evian when he needs a refresher.

Center: Greg Stiemsa
No one likes the guy who goes off to the big city, changes his accent, gets a haircut he first saw in an artsy magazine, buys clothes that cost a lot but look like they just came from JC Penney’s and starts drinking water that rhymes with FLOSS. No one in Wisconsin would like a guy like that and Greg Stiemsa sure isn’t going to be that guy, no way no how.

Power Forward: Al Jefferson
A bruiser. A pounder. A guy who never moves from the block. You know exactly what he will do and he will do it. He’s not changing. There’s no VOSS for him. It’s just the tap. Predictably.

Small Forward: Corey Brewer
Corey wants to drink VOSS, but he’s afraid of how Al and Joakim will push him around when they’re hanging out, just getting some pizzas, just like when they didn’t have more money or more problems.

Corey wants to drink VOSS but isn’t sure if that’s going against the FLGTR4LYFE creed, first instituted when they just drank yellow Gatorade that may or may not have been urine. If Corey does one more annoying thing, he may not get their birthday invites anymore and then what? He’s left chilling with Taurean Green and nobody wants that.

Guard: Stephen Curry
It would be a whole heckuva lot easier for Stephen Curry to drink VOSS. But he must have it natural, just like his jump shot. Yes, it says “natural” on the bottle, probably, but there’s plastic all over it. He doesn’t need “manufactured” water, that would be for all the guys who “practiced” their shot at camps and clinics and with film, those guys who don’t have “natural” talent like him. No, Stephen Curry goes to mountain springs. Drinks in rain water but only when it’s raining. Ocean water, the saltier the better. Yes, he gets thirsty. But that’s only natural.

Guard: Eric Bledsoe
Eric Bledsoe may seem like the quintessential VOSS man, but you better think twice–just like when he’s reeling his mighty crossover over your twisted laces.

Because Eric wants to keep everyone guessing. Just when you think he’s gonna zig, he goes for the zag. Are you taking the up escalator up? Well, Eric is too, he’s just walking up the down escalator while watching the elevator descend. Some days Eric might pick up a Fiji. Other days? He’s loading up with Perrier. Think you’re a True Detective? Think again. There he is with a Dasani. Theory blown, minds blown, and the winds keep blowing over the cold, Norwegian border, locking in the taste flavor of artestian VOSS water.

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