Inside the Player’s Locker Room with Michael Jordan

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Jimmy Lipton, not to be confused with James Lipton, sits down with Michael Jordan for a very special edition of Inside the Players Locker Room.

Jimmy Lipton: You recently said that if both of you were in your primes, you would defeat LeBron James

one on one in the game of basketball. Care to explain.

Michael Jordan: What’s there to explain?

JL: I always believed you were excellent in your displays of confidence. How do you manage that?

MJ: By beating other people you give yourself that confidence, and then you keep beating people to keep that confidence.

JL: Has it become more difficult to maintain that confidence as an active member of the Charlotte Bobcats front office?

MJ: We’re the Hornets now.

JL: You’re so right, but has it been more difficult? Would you have been better off calling yourself the Michaels?

MJ: Hm. You may be right, and I did propose us being called the Michaels. But we didn’t want to confuse my brands.

JL: Explain.

MJ: Well, what would have been the logo? If we were called the Michaels, people would expect to see my Jumpman logo soaring over the Queen City, but there are copyright laws to such things and I’m not sure the guys we currently have are truly ready for that sort of excellence. You know, I could beat all of them one on one.

JL: In your prime?

MJ: Now. Hell, I could beat Lance now. That’s what ruined him.

JL: So no Charlotte Jumpmen?

MJ: We’ll just have to wait and see.

JL: Any thoughts of returning?

MJ: If Donald Trump’s elected president, he’s promised to have Elon Musk build me either a time machine or a rejuvenator that will allow me to always be in my prime. So a comeback isn’t out of the question.

JL: What do you think are his chances?

MJ: It’s not about his chances. It’s about my chances.

JL: And your chances have always been good.

MJ: That’s true, Jimmy. They have been and always will be.

JL: Favorite super hero?

MJ: I would say all of them, but that would be like picking myself.

JL: HA! Good one, Michael.

MJ: Recently, though, I’ve found myself partial to Wolverine.

JL: Because he can time travel.

MJ: Sure. And I don’t think he really needs the other X-Men. Remember when I was with the Wizards?

JL: Who could forget? Those were your underrated years.

MJ: I also enjoyed the new Fantastic Four film.

JL: Who didn’t?

MJ: I think they should keep making them, but they should find a way to have one of the actors have all the powers.

JL: Brilliant! That way the franchise would never die.

MJ: And would always be in its prime.

JL: Lovely. Who’s your favorite villain?

MJ: First, all villains are losers, but I admire villains that don’t realize they’re the villain because they keep trying. LeBron’s good at trying, which isn’t the same as always winning. Heroes always win. That’s why there can only be one.

JL: Favorite number?

MJ: Seems like a trick question.

JL: It is? But humor me?

MJ: I’d say number one, but I think you’re looking for 23.

JL: Glorious.

MJ: Thought so. I’ve been working on my telepathy. That way I can speak to myself through time and remind myself to always be in my prime.

JL: Words to hear at the Pearly Gates?

MJ: Don’t bother coming in; you’re still in your prime.


Bryan Harvey tweets frequently @LawnChairBoys.

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