Lights. Cameras. Robin Thicke music. It all surrounds him now. Lance feels the comfortably badass clothing rests on his skin as the cool breeze of an oscillating fan hits his face. A giant neon sign displaying the words “GQ” is on the wall to the left. ‘I’m the man’ he thought to himself. The players are called for a lunch break and Lance walks over to a table displaying free candy, soda and Ritz Bitz Crackers. Pure satisfaction as the combined flavors of Dr. Pepper and Twizzlers fill his mouth. This is the life Lance had always dreamed of and now he is living it. Just then, Mila Kunis approaches the table from another photo shoot. “I’m a big fan,” she says. Lance smiles and responds, “Same here. Friends With Benefits changed my life.” She smiled and moved along.
What a life. What… a….
“COME HOME!! COME HOME!!! COME HOOOOMMMMMEEE!!!!!”
“Huh? What? Who is it?” Lance replied in terror.
Quickly realizing it was all a sweet dream, Lance is now face-to-face with a familiar bearded man who’s name he couldn’t remember.
“You are… uh…” said Lance
“COME HOME!” shouted the man.
“Whoa, Danny.” said Joakim as he attempted to restrain Dan Gilbert.
“THAT’s Dan Gilbert?” said Lance.
Dan Gilbert is wearing a maroon suit jacket with no shirt underneath and light blue swim shorts. His hair is long and full of grossness. Lance can’t believe what has happened to this once successful business man.
“Why is he like that?” asked Lance.
“This is what happens when you’ve experienced the kind of joy that only those living inside of LeBron’s head can understand” replied Joakim with a giant grin on his face. “Come, brother. We must continue our journey. Help him up, Perk!”
Lance climps to his feet with the help of Perk. He has no idea how long he had been out for. More signs saying ‘ALL HAIL KING JET’ line the walls as they continue onward. Lance could feel his stomach growing more and more upset. This was his choice to be here. He must stand by it. Was regret creeping in? If so, Lance removed any sign of it straight away. Lance is a man of principal. This is where he wanted to be… or so he told himself.
“Where are we going?” asked Lance.
“To see the prophet.” replied Joakim. “You see, we’ve been waiting for our savior to return. We believe that to be you, Lance.”
“Savior?” asked Lance
“COME HOME!” screamed Dan Gilbert.
“Ssshh. Easy.” said Joakim as he attempts to calm Gilbert down. “Yes, a savior.”
“What am I supposed to be saving?” asked Lance.
“You’ll learn soon enough.” replied Joakim.
Lance remains silent as he follows Joakim, Dan Gilbert and Perk down the dark path. He wonders what kind of prophet he would soon be seeing. Lance certainly didn’t feel like a savior. Would a savior be this frightened right now? He figured not.
The group arrives at an old shack displaying the words “Prophet/Palm Reader”
“Palm reader?” asked a puzzled Lance.
Joakim simply waves Lance along.
They all walk inside the shack and Lance’s eyes immediately meet the one and only Kevin Garnett. He is sitting cross legged on the floor with an iguana on his shoulder. He is unable to see anything as his eyes are sown shut. What an unbelievable sight to see.
“Palm readings – Eight dollars!” shouted KG.
“It is us.” said Joakim.
“Ah. I’ve been expecting you.” said KG as he suddenly turned to Lance.”YOU are the second coming of LORD JET. YOU have come to save us from LeBron. YOU and only YOU can do this… Blower Of Ears…”
(To be continued)