Greetings, Luol


Greetings Luol,

Dobrodošli v Clevelandu! That’s Slovenian for “Welcome to Cleveland!” (In case you didn’t know, everyone in Cleveland is Slovenian. If you look at someone and think to yourself, “Is that person Slovenian?” that person is definitely Slovenian. Similarly, when in Cleveland, do not accept anyone’s “homemade Slivovitz” or not make jokes about the Adriatic Sea. Both threaten your physical well-being.)

We are so excited you are joining the Cavs! It is increasingly clear that the mere act of possessing a basketball panics our current starting small forward, Earl Clark, and his backup, Alonzo Gee, plays the position with the grace of a rhinoceros in a rugby scrum; I think it’s fair to say you’re stepping into a major hole as our lineup.

I suspect you will really like Cleveland, Luol. After a decade in Chicago, certain aspects of life here – our hellish winters, culture of political corruption, & variety and quantity of pickled and encased meats – will, no doubt, be comfortingly familiar. We are kind and forgiving. We have suffered very much. Our river once caught on fire. The Drew Carey Show.

Also, I think you will find there’s less pressure when you play bball in Cleveland, since no one really cares about bball in Cleveland. It is sad, but true. In 2009, as the team won 61 games, the city’s sports conversation veered between Browns’ backup quarterback Brady Quinn’s offseason & prospects for local Catholic high school football the following fall. Playing for the Cavs is an 82 game exercise in gambling with house money: If you are good, people will be excited, cheer your name, and give you very many hign petke (Slovenian high-fives!); if you are bad, they will just drown themselves in homemade Slivovitz and bemoan our sad, pathetic football frachise (reminder, tread lightly with homemade Slivovitz).

To be fair, there are also frustrating elements to playing for the Cavs. For one, our coach is Mike Brown, and I’m more certain every day that that is a terrible thing. Two, our best player, Kyrie Irving, will seem magical for minutes at a time but then spend equal minutes dribbling in circles and giving the ball to the other team in casual and perplexing ways. Third, Anthony Bennett.

Anyways, Luol, ultimately, I guess all I really wanted to say was this: If you were the Browns, would you draft a QB 4th overall? Bortles? Manziel? Grab a WR up top and take McCarron in the 2nd round? Ugh. I can’t decide. What were we talking about again? I lost my train of thought.

Welcome to Cleveland, Luol. We’re glad to have you.


Cleveland Sports Fan Chandler Goodman


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