Giannis Antetokounmpo: A Matter of National Security

giannis cover

The following information is deemed “classified.”



white house


Good evening Mr. President,


This is an emergency memo being faxed to you at 8:30 a.m.  Yes, faxing is still our number one method of communication.

We are currently investigating a man living in Milwaukee by the name Giannis Antetokounmpo who goes by the alias,“The Greek Freak.”  This is a matter of national security, sir.  Please take a look at the following photograph.


As you can see this is just your run of the mill giant, absurdly long basketball player.  It all seems fairly normal.  However, photos have been leaking via the internet that suggest this is anything but normal.

I think you’re going to want to see this.


I imagine you just spilled your coffee everywhere.  These are freakishly long hands, aren’t they sir?

Now pay attention to the wingspan, also freakishly large at 7’3″.



It can’t be for certain, but we think his freakish length might have something to do with his nickname “The Greek Freak.”  I have my entire staff looking into this as we speak. .

At first, it was all very odd but not out of the ordinary.  There were very few red flags.  We were simply monitoring the situation.

Until we saw this.


It appears Giannis is…. growing, sir.  I’m sorry for the dramatic ellipsis but I couldn’t… help it.

We’ve never seen anything like this before, and believe you me, we’ve seen a lot of weird, unexplanable stuff.  Everything from Watergate, to aliens to Eli Manning winning two Superbowls.  But I have never – in my 98 years of service – seen anything like this.

Just last night this photo was released.



May God help us all.

We believe that the military must act NOW.  This is very urgent.  If Giannis continues to grow, we believe there will be dire consequences that could impact the entire world..  Oh sure, it’ll start small…

But then…

Milwaukee Bucks Game 6

And then…

Tom Cruise Giannis



Mr. President, I think it goes without saying that we can’t afford to lose Tom Cruise.  With your order we will put an end to Giannis at once.  Please take a moment to think on this.  The fate of the world rests on this decision.


General Commander Mike



PS: We need more toner.



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