Something big happened last week in the NBA. Its importance cannot be overstated. Steve Nash got a nickname: Gatsby.
As BallerBall’s resident F. Scott Fitzgerald expert, Jason asked me to pen a few words on this development.
First off, the nickname is ridiculous and does not fit Nash at all. The only similarity the two share is that they wear three piece suits, a trait shared with countless other douches in the world who think that third piece will help find temporary female companionship. However, the nickname is catchy and I’m for it, despite its literary flaw. It does beg the question though: what Gatsby characters are the other Lakers? Here’s my thoughts:
Dwight Howard – Jordan Baker
Like Jordan, Dwight just cannot help but lie about things. His most memorable moment in the past year is denying he asked for Stan Van Gundy to be fired, not knowing that SVG had just told the press he had. Also, the whole trade mishap where he committed his future to Orlando then a couple of weeks later decided he wanted out is reminiscent of Jordan getting engaged mere weeks after her fling with Nick ended. Dwight’s a guy you could probably have fun hanging out with for a little while (30 minutes? 15?) before realizing, he just is not a good person. His play may lead you consider a long-term commitment, but in the end, he isn’t worth the headache.
Kobe Bryant – Tom Buchanan
This one is too easy. Extramarital affair. Rich, pompous douche. Manages to keep his marriage alive despite seemingly insurmountable odds. Not to mention, Kobe would definitely slyly convince someone else to do his dirty work for him.
Pau Gasol – Myrtle Wilson.
Like Myrtle in Gatsby, Pau is the most sympathetic figure on the Lakers. He really believes that Kobe cares about him, but in the end Tom/Kobe just wants to bust a nut/win a ring. He doesn’t care who he does it with. Pau’s fate is predictable: he will be sacrificed for the sake of the narrative.
Metta World Peace – Owl Eyes.
Because out of all the Lakers, World Peace is the easy choice for “Most Likely to Get Drunk at a Party and Wonder if the Books are Real or Fake.”