This is an easy fix. A rep (player/coach/gm/owner) of all 30 teams parachutes to an undisclosed island off the coast of South America. Each rep is given an egg with a baby chick. Each rep is given a certain amount of supplies. The amount of supplies is inversely related to the previous season’s record; i.e. The Sixers would get the most supplies, the Pacers/Thunder/Spurs, less. They have to survive 2 weeks but most importantly they have to care for their egg. The draft order is determined by how big your chicken is (weight + height) after the end of 2 weeks. The bigger the chicken, the higher the draft order.
Some things to consider:
Who a team sends is very important. Who wants the high pick the most, as well as who will do everything in their power to get it. I think some teams would send a player who is an animal (Patrick Beverley) while some would send an obsessed owner (Cuban) or a coach who no one wants to mess with (Pop). The strategy of who to send itself would be fascinating.
Sabotage. If the goal is to get the egg to hatch then it’s in other teams best interests to make sure your egg never hatches. Alliances and nefarious deals would be had and dominate Sports Center for the whole summer.
Think of how the Phoenix Suns training staff would do with putting weight on a chicken. They added two years to Shaq’s career; they could make a chicken live forever.
1 of the 4 teams in the Conference Finals will be given a snake’s egg which means the last pick in the draft. But they can use this snake to sabotage the other chickens.
I think middle of the pack is the best way to appease your fan base and have the best shot at getting the bigger chicken. Is there another strategy that I’m missing?