To: Mrs. Anucha Browne Sanders
VP of Original Programming, NBATV
RE: Movie pitch for NBATV
As the head of Original Programming for the network, I know how busy you must be. Whether you’re furiously editing footage from The Association to make Deron Williams human or dealing with Ahmad Rashad, the Tracy Jordan of sports media personalities, I’m sure yours is a thankless and taxing job. I do not wish to waste any of your time, so I’ll jump right to the point.
I have an idea for NBATV’s first original movie. It’s a remake of Ocean’s Eleven starring current and former NBA players and set in the world of today’s NBA. Below is a short overview of the film as I see it as well as some casting recommendations.
Title: Fisher’s Eleven
Premise: Former NBA guard Derek Fisher comes out of retirement to lead a ragtag group of current and former players in the ultimate heist.
The Target: Billy Hunter
The Score: $20 million dollars that Hunter siphoned out of the NBAPA’s pension fund during his tenure as head of the Players’ Association.
Location: All-Star Weekend in Houston
Danny Ocean – Derek Fisher
Rusty Ryan – Chandler Parsons
Rationale: He’s one of the most handsome men in the NBA. Plus, J.J. Redick went to Duke where all charisma is removed at graduation.
Linus Caldwell – Kyrie Irving
Frank Catton – Rasheed Wallace
Virgil and Turk Malloy – Ben and Tyler Hansbrough
Basher Tarr – Andrei Kirilenko
Saul Bloom – Magic Johnson
Rationale: This role must be played by someone who can be anyone or anything on cue. On a daily basis, Magic Johnson switches between former NBA player, Bill Simmons-heckler, and Los Angeles Dodgers’ owner with ease. This film should be a walk in the park for him.
Reuben Tishkoff – David Stern
Livingston Dell – Gordon Hayward
Yen – JJ Barea
Terry Benedict – Billy Hunter
Now I know this proposal seems too good to be true, like a Nigerian prince with a PayPal account, but I assure you I’m very serious about partnering with NBATV on this project. Please consider my offer and get back to me soon.
P.S. P.J. Carlesimo’s beard really pops in HD.